I wasn't expecting that...

Sunday, I made the trip into New York City to meet with Dr. Jaime Schehr. She is the nutritionist that works with our Crossfit gym.  I figured Jay only associates himself and his business with the best, so why not give her a shot.

I went in expecting to only be consulted on my nutrition. I thought she would go over my meal plan, make a few tweaks and then send me on my way.

I was not prepared for what really happened.

She broke me down. I was sitting in her office crying for over an hour.

Once she was finished going over my medical and food habit history, she took a turn and went straight for my sweet spot: my self worth—or lack thereof.

The entire time we were talking, she took note on more than just my nutrition. She took note on how I talked about my life, how I felt about my job and my passions. Then she came right out and said it.

“You don’t think you deserve it”

“You take care of everyone else but never stop to take care of yourself. You won’t let anyone else take care of you either”.

“I bet you don’t let anyone see you cry”

“You don’t think you’re good enough, strong enough, pretty enough”

“I bet you’ve never told anyone how you truly felt about them or their actions”

She was right on all counts. She says that my weight issues aren’t only because of what I eat. It’s because I feel like I don’t deserve to have my dream body. That is exactly how I feel.

So, what’s next? I’m getting a meal plan along with some tasks to work on each week. She is making me try new foods (I have a palate and food stubbornness of a 10 yr old), making me find my passions and hopefully so much more. I am beyond excited.

Carbs

So, I'm not sure what I wrote about in my last post but since it was from the beginning of June, I'm sure it didn't involve my new meal plan. And if it did, sue me.

I have been following this trainer on Instagram for a while and she seems to know her shit. So I saw that she sells meal plans for $30. It's cheap enough for me to give it a go without feeling ripped off if it didn't work out.

So I paid the money and got my plan and my eyes popped out of my head. For the first week she wants me eating 210g of protein, 252g of carbs and 52g of fat. As the weeks progress, the carbs drop in half and the protein dips down a bit as well.

252g of carbs?! I'm used to eating maybe 50g of carbs on a good day. So it has been a struggle for me to allow myself to pump it up x5.

Shockingly, I am still hungry all day and when I go to bed. However, my energy for the gym has improved dramatically. I feel like I could do 2 hour sessions instead of just 1. I even went running yesterday on my 'off' day.

So, so far so good.

On Sunday I am going to see a real nutritionist--you know, someone with a PhD who studied this stuff for most of her adult life. I need to know what foods I should eat. Obviously veggies, meats, etc but I'm curious to know if I have any allergies, if my body reacts better to some foods, and all that funs shit. I'm excited to get on a good path and get this fat off my body once and for all.

My boyfriend is constantly saying 'I just don't get how people cant just...eat.' He hates the trends, hate the phrases and the programs. But, some of us need different things. Some of us need to be given exact examples and exact measurements so that we don't stray too far off the path. Some of us work better under someone's watchful eye. Some of us need a little extra help cause doing it on our own isn't exactly working out. He gets so annoyed with me so I try not to talk about it much with him. That's what a blog is for anyway, right??

Oh, hey June.

Where the hell has the time been going? I feel like this year is flying by...a little faster than I'd like too.

Weightlifting club has been AMAZING. I've been able to open up, be myself and make some serious gains. This is our last week :-( but I was happy to find out that Coach Ryan will be programming for us so it's not technically over. Over these past few weeks, I've come to realize how much I really love Olympic lifting.

Bye bye performance workouts. You will not be missed...

Also, we are starting a CFM Weightlifting team and will eventually be competing?? What? D'okay. I'm no where near where I need to be in terms of strength....or physical looks (singlets aren't flattering even on the greatest looking bodies) but I am ready to get to that point.


Next topic: Weight loss contests. I'm fucking done with them. All they do is stress me out and make me depressed. And you know what I do when I get stressed and depressed? Fucking eat. So I am done doing them.

I entered a diet bet where you pay $25 to the main pot and all the people who lose 4% of their body weight get to split the pot. Right now, the pot is at $19,600. And I'm pretty positive that I will be out the $25. I was doing FANTASTIC before the bet started. Its been a shit show ever since. I have issues.

ADIDAS

All. Day. I. Dream. About. Snatches.

That could come off as pretty perverted, depending on your level of maturity. Mine is at about a 3 out of 10 so it made me chuckle.

But anyway...

Last night we had a max weight night of snatches. I PR'd...not by much...but I'll take it. I still need some work on my form. I have an issue with not opening up my hips all the way. I think if I got that part down, I would be unstoppable. I get way too anxious about dropping under the bar and getting to that squat that I just bypass that whole important step of hip extension.

You can see how my form differs a bit from the others.

Tonight I am assuming...and hoping...that we will be getting a break from snatches. I do miss my clean and jerks.

Also have to point out how much I love my weightlifting crew. We have been having so much fun together. Dancing to old classics, making fun of other coaches and so on. I am going to be unbelievably sad when these 6 weeks are up.

I dont care, I love it.

That song is super annoying but the chorus works just perfectly for this post.

So this weekend was full of moments that really opened my eyes to what I want for my life.

It all started with one little comment from a friend on Friday night. I was at my buddy Pete’s grad party and bent over to grab the hula-hoop (yeah, we’re fucking cool kids) and complained about my back hurting. At that point, my friend asked me if it was from ‘doing those lifts that aren’t real lifts’. The comment bugged me for the rest of the night. I was offended but eventually let it go. And by eventually, I mean as of just today.

This leads me to the growing skepticism of Crossfit as a whole-- So many people are quick to judge this sport. It’s ‘cool’ to hate on Crossfit now that so many people are into it. Someone sees one video of some dude about to rip his back apart or blow out his knee and suddenly we're all lumped into the same "we act better than everyone even though we don't know what the fuck we're doing" category together. I get shit for it, my friends get shit for it, and random bloggers I follow get shit for it. Yes, the lingo is totally ridiculous. Yes, we have gyms full of douche bags who totally throw form to the side in the name of a PR. Yes, we have obnoxious fashion trends. But so does every other gym in the entire world.

There is no such thing as a perfect workout or a perfect gym or a perfect sport. But I finally found something that I love and something that I have stuck with for almost 3 solid years. I’m really starting to get fed up with having to defend it all the time. But you know what? You do you, booboo. And I’ll do me. 

Today I am no longer concerned about what others think about it. If I get shit for it again, I’m just going to let it roll off my back. I know that I have great form. I know that I get my ass handed to me in workouts and love every second of it. I know that my gym is full of incredibly knowledgeable trainers. I know that I am in the best shape of my life. And that is all I need.

I want to be on that Crossfit Games podium. After being at the regionals yesterday, I want it even more. I am sure as hell not going to let anyone or any negative comments stop me either.

*drops the mic* #hatersgonnahate

Recap

So. Updates on weightlifting club:
Last Thursday was a great day. We pulled snatches off the block and I added about 35lbs to my PR so I was stoked. I was surprised at how easy it was for me. This whole time I was terrified of going to heavy with snatches because of my wicked loose shoulders. They pop out of socket pretty easily and its not a fun feeling when it happens.

Update from the weekend:
Went up to my parents' house in New Hampshire! It was so relaxing. AND I bought myself a motorcycle...super fucking excited. Just waiting to hear back about the inspection and if all is well then it is all mine :-)

Didn't eat as horribly as I normally do when I'm up there. I got a salad instead of a giant pizza or pasta dish when we went out to dinner. Didn't buy many snacks to munch on all day. Plus, my mom and I bought ben and jerrys to share and it wasn't even gone by the time I left. And me actually leaving knowing there was still some left was a huge accomplishment. Usually I binge the day I leave to finish all the yummy snacks. Even left some chips behind!


Yesterdays lifting sesh was a bit off. We did full snatches from the ground and I wasn't feeling as strong as I did on Thursday. I got up to 105 and my shoulder was feeling a bit tweaked.

Hardest part of the workout? The warm up. He made us jump over benches. This girl was not made to be in the air. It was sad how long it took to convince myself to do it. So sad.

Weighlifting club

I've been patiently waiting for weightlifting club to start ever since Jay posted a picture about it months ago. MONTHS! Okay, maybe not that long ago...but it sure felt like it.

There are only 4 of us. 10 people signed up. And only 4 of us showed up. People's commitments are kind of sad. (I really have no right to talk...I give up on shit pretty easily)

Speaking of giving up on things-- that whole 5k every weekend is out the window. Why? Two reasons. A) It was getting expensive. $20-$35 a race doesn't sound too horrible, but doing it every week was starting to get to me. I could be saving that money for other things. Like gas. Groceries. A motorcycle. B). Now that weightlifting club has started, Coach Ryan has suggested we stray away from long distances and stick to short but fast interval work. We need to be saving our legs for the lifts.

Crossfit Endurance workouts it is! Just like I had planned. I'm so ahead of the times.

My thumbs are killing me. These new callouses are not fun. By the end of the 6 weeks, I wont be surprised if I fall asleep with my fingers in the hook grip.

Husky

Conversation with my grandparents this weekend:

Grandpa: "You remind me of this girl that plays for the UConn Huskies"
Grandma: "No, Van. Those women are 6'3-6'4". She's not that tall!"
Grandpa: "No, I'm talking about the heavy set one that plays center!"

Thanks Pops..thanks.

Had a total fail of a weekend. 

It all started on Friday. The Super Duper Weenie truck came to my work and provided us with lunch. I had a hot dog covered in chili, onions and cheese. Plus a bacon cheeseburger. Plus a side of fries. Then dinner, my boyfriend and I went to Pepe's in New Haven. Bacon pizza.

Saturday was just as bad. Had leftover pizza for brunch, a fruit salad and then for dinner I went to On The Border. I probably went through an entire bowl of chips and salsa on my own. Throw in a margarita and a giant taco salad...and, well, my stomach was about ready to walk out of my body and flip me off.

Sunday started out with breakfast at Whole Foods, a salad for lunch and chipotle for dinner. My roommate also bought a fancy margarita maker so I had three of those.

Happy Cinco de Fatty. 

I am so ashamed and mad at myself. I need to be back to strict paleo (plus sweet potato and some rice--cant lift heavy and consistently without it). If I let myself to have 'just a piece' then it just blows out of control. It's all or nothing for me, unfortunately.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Auto-Pilot

So, yeah. That was last night's workout.

It took me all day to talk myself into going last night. I finally settled on going with the possibility of doing the Fitness workout instead (no running involved but still a great looking workout). Throughout the whole warm up, I couldn't decide if I should suck it up and do the workout or be a wimp and find an excuse to take the easy way out.

Well, I sucked it up. I told myself that it would be over before I knew it. That all I wanted to get was at least 3 rounds (Coach Migs said to aim for 5 rounds, but in my head I didn't think it was possible for me)

I came back from my 5th round of 400m before the clock ran out...after thinking I was barely going to be able to do 3. I need more confidence in myself. I don't give myself enough credit.

The whole time, I was on auto-pilot. I don't remember thinking about anything. I just remember being out there running and then being finished.

Coach Migs came up to me afterwards and gave a me a solid fish bump; something that has become quite the routine when he coaches the class I take. We talked about how much we both don't like running and he said to me "people like us aren't made to run, we're made to lift some heavy shit!". I say this about myself all the time, so it was nice not to feel so alone about it.

Although, I have to say...I'm hoping that with the Crossfit Endurance training I will be doing, that one day I will be a lot better at running.

Feel the pain

So, lasts night workout was another eye opening one for me.

15.12.9.6.3 reps of
Front Squats
Burpees

The RX weight was 100lbs for women but I went with 85. I was honestly embarrassed about not RXing it. I felt like a complete failure for not at least TRYING 100lbs (or at least 95).

As a 5'10" power house female, I feel like I am expected to RX every workout. Sometimes I just want to get through a workout without fucking killing myself. I shouldn't feel guilty about that right? Or is that the purpose of these workouts?

But then on the other hand, sometimes I just don't want to feel the pain. My body is most likely able to handle certain weights and workouts, but there is just something inside of me that doesn't want to give it a try. Perhaps I am afraid of failing or falling behind everyone else.

During one workout that Jay monitored me very closely for, he said to me "don't be afraid to breathe heavy". I feel like all I do is breathe heavy. It's a constant reminder of how out of shape I feel. Maybe I just don't want to be constantly reminded of that fact.



...........Or maybe I just really fucking hate front squats.

Weekend recap

Warning: Pretty boring post...I apologize in advance. Kinda. Not really.

What a beautiful weekend that was! If only it were like that every day...for the rest of my life. I swear I belong in California. I really need to take a trip out there.

I did not do a 5k this weekend. I didn't have the funds to spend $25 on it this week. Nevertheless, I did a nice 4.25 miles run/walk on Saturday to make up for it. It was so nice outside, I just couldn't help myself.

I spent the rest of the day cleaning my car and laying outside on my hammock, getting in as much Vitamin D that I could.

Saturday night was girls night. I had a few friends from college come over for some drinks and catching up. I probably ate my weight in cheese that night. Brie and jalapeno cheddar. I don't regret a single bite. I might even love cheese more than I love chocolate.

Sunday was a lazy day. Spent most of the day on the hammock...can you tell I'm slightly obsessed with it?

Sunday was also meal prep day. Chicken, veggies, oats...the works.

Changing up my food a bit this week. I have recently become addicted to Chobani's Flip yogurts. Coconut yogurt with almonds and dark chocolate...chocolate chip yogurt with raspberry puree...de-fuckin-licious. But, I'm trying to jump back on the clean eating train and get my shit together. So this week, my morning snack will be turkey slices and guacamole.

This week's breakdown--
Breakfast- eggs, bacon, half a grapefruit, green tea
Snack- turkey slices with guacamole
Lunch- chicken with steamed squash
Afternoon snack- oats with mashed bananas and cinnamon
Dinner- chili over sweet potato puree

What the fuck was that?

That's basically what my body was asking me yesterday after last nights workout.

It was one of those workouts where I pull into my driveway and just...sit there. For literally 5-10 minutes. Just sitting there. Letting my brain try to comprehend what my body just went through.

The worst part was the wall balls. I don't know what it is, but this movement always has and probably always will be my least favorite movement. Something about it is so daunting.

But I survived. It took me 29 minutes. Some people finished around 20. Man, I wish I could be that fast.

Anyways, after last nights workout...I am even MORE excited to be a part of the weightlifting club. I don't know what the workouts are going to entail, but I'm hoping it looks nothing like this.

While working out in the club, I will be adding on some miles to the new shoes I received yesterday. Hoping to drop weight and come back to regular performance workouts with a much better endurance. That's the plan anyway.

Like how I said 'much better endurance' as if I'm at even a decent level right now...*sigh*

We used to have a Crossfit Milford Endurance team...what happened to it?! I could really use that shit right now. Thinking of contacting the coach and seeing if she has any workouts stashed away in her computer or something...

Oh muh gawd, shoes.

I hate spending money. Like, really hate it. I'd rather have large amounts of cash collect dust in my savings account than spend it on something I probably really need.

I finally caved in yesterday and splurged on myself. I bought, not one, but TWO new pairs of sneakers *gasp*. Honestly, they were sitting in my Zappos cart for over a week. It took me THAT long to convince myself to hit the 'order' button. It's literally been a year since I bought new shoes. What's wrong with me? I swear I have a vagina...

I bought one pair of good running sneakers. I'm glad I waited because they finally went on sale! WOO! Saved a whopping 10%!! And then I bought a pair to Crossfit in. Not, not Reeboks. I didn't give into the Inov8's so I'm not giving into those either. I bought a modest $65 pair of Nike's. They sure are pretty too. The sneakers I have now are all black. God, I can be so boring...

Next, I plan on buying a running watch so I can keep track of my miles and pace. I feel like if I can see the numbers loaded into fancy charts, I will be even more motivated to get out there. The thing is so cool...the actual watch itself plugs into your laptop and loads up into Nike+'s running website. I can even compete with other people. Bring. It. On.

Feeling really motivated today! Like I found my spark again. Can't wait to get out of work and kill some workouts

I think I'm missing the point

So this whole taking a picture at every race thing is to see my weight loss progress. Well, its been 3 weeks and I don't think I've really done much....losing weight.

I really wanted April to be 'different' but it hasn't...so I'm feeling a little discouraged.

Last week was a fail. I worked out Sun, Mon and Tues but then my my knee got all fucked up so I took Wednesday off. Thursday I had my motorcycle class. Friday I had a going away party for my army friend. So, it went to shit real quick.

I just food prepped for the week and bought some more protein powder so that there is no excuse this week. My knee felt great during today's run so I am hoping it holds up cause I am going balls to the wall.

Poop.

Well, I feel like complete doo-doo today.

Yesterday afternoon, I could feel my head starting to get really tense. You know the feeling...like your head is about explode. For me, it only means one thing. My body is about to start fighting off something nasty.

Once I got home, I felt like I got hit by a bus, and I feel the same today. My throat is sore and scratchy--almost like I've been swallowing razor blades. My body is aching...even my hair hurts. Is that weird? Whatever.

But, I'm a stubborn German and still went to work. My mother raised us with the notion that you can only stay home from school if you were throwing up. This rule kind of stuck with me into adulthood. Besides, sick days should be saved for when it's really really nice out and you just don't want to go to work. Today is supposed to be cloudy so I decided to suck it up.

Another issue I'm having is with my knee. Apparently my body thinks I did too much too fast and it decided to stop me in my tracks. With a little help of my boyfriend and good 'old Google, it turns out that I have runners knee; or in my case, 'trying-to-be-a-runners knee'. Nothing like sharp shooting pain when you put any pressure on your knee! So I took a rest day yesterday and will be taking today off for my motorcycle class. I'm hoping to be somewhat better once the 5k this weekend rolls around. We shall see!

Here's to hoping my immune system is as strong as it usually is. And that my knee stops being a complete dick.

Lesson learned.

Last night I learned that I give up on myself way too easily.

If you are one of the two people who always read my posts, you will remember that workout I recently wrote about where I ended the night in tears. Thrusters and burpees.

Well, the workout made its way back. I really thought I was going to have more time to prepare for that beast again but I was mistaken. Last night’s workout was slightly different but still a beast.

-25 thrusters @ 85lbs (RX was 95 but I had pulled a muscle in my groin and squatting just wasn’t pleasant at all)

-40 no pushup burpee box jump

I did my workout outside for a few reasons—A. I’m stuck in an office for 8 hours a day so if it’s nice out, my ass is working out outside. B. The gym was wicked crowded. C. I didn’t want to feel rushed seeing everyone else finishing before me.

Well, Jay (head coach and owner of the gym) decided to stay for the class and found me outside. I was at 20 thrusters when he came out…and he didn’t leave my side once. He had me knock out the last 5 unbroken—I probably would have done 2 and then 3.

I was only allowed 3 breaths between 10 sets of box jumps. Normally, I would stop after about 5 reps, stand there panting like an idiot for a minute, then do another 5. I knocked out 40 of them without much stopping; something I would have never done had I been out there by myself.  

So on my run home, I reflected on the beating. Why do I give up so easily? If my body is physically able, and someone else is able to see that, why can’t I see it for myself?

I do it with more than just random workouts. I do it with my weight loss as well. I dropped 70lbs, gained back 20 of them…and haven’t been able to lose said 20lbs for the past year. I dropped 70lbs!! And I’m having trouble with 20! Where’s my drive? I used to be unstoppable.

I’ve got my eye on another 52lbs to get to a total loss of 100lbs. I need my spark back.

 

Another reflection I had when I was working out…I need new underwear. This granny panty shit just ain’t cute when it’s hanging out of the top of my pants or giving my giant wedgies. Then again, it’s never really cute is it….

Damn you Mrs. Carton

The past 2 races I've run in, I have seen my 5th grade teacher running it as well. She was even my father's 5th grade teacher, how crazy is that? She has to be in her 70's-80's by now, but she looks as young as she did back then. She is still kicking ass! I hope I am doing that well at that age.

The only ill feelings I have towards her is the fact that she won the raffle I was going after today...$100 to Walmart. What 70-something year old shops at Walmart?!

Anyways. Ran another race today. A 4 miler.

It was in New Haven. I went into it thinking it would be as flat as a pancake but failed to remember that the residential part of New Haven is all hills. This race kicked my ass! But it was fun.

Next race is on Sunday in New Britain. Bring it on.

Stereotypes.

So, I was in my motorcycle safety class last night and the instructor was talking about when people drop their bikes. He said he has a fool proof way to pick them back up that even us 'ladies' would be able to do.

Bro, do you even lift?

I almost wanted to smack him in the face for 2 reasons. 1). Because he deserves it and 2). so I could literally rub my hand callouses in his face.

I bet I could pick up a heavier bike than most of the guys in my class.

I hate stereotypes against women's strength. Yes, most men are stronger than women, it's a simple fact that I will not argue with. But times are a-changin'! Girls like me are out lifting guys all the time. Get used to it!

Even my gym kind of hates on women sometimes. Why do guys get to row for 30calories and we only have to get to 20? Why are there 'men' and 'women' sandbags? Why do all the girls flock to the sleds with only 45lbs on it? Fuck that, I get in line with the guys pulling 225lbs.

C'mon ladies! Don't be afraid to get stronger, we're all capable of incredible feats!

My favorite quote:

Lightning.

So last nights workout was pretty ridiculous

800m row
75 wall balls
400m row
50 thrusters
200m row
25 overhead squats

It wouldn't have been too bad if we weren't forced to listen to god awful dubstep music. Literally, each song was 10 minutes long....with the same exact beat and no singing. I felt like I was at a rave from hell. Once I got to the overhead squat, I had to ask them to change it. I just couldn't take it anymore. But anyways...

Afterwards, I had to run home. I probably should have checked the weather to see that it was supposed to storm the rest of the night...

I have to say, though, that it was the most enjoyable run I have had in a very long time. The rain was so warm and refreshing after that workout. The lightning was BAD but it just made me run faster. It was pretty fucking exhilarating. It put a new spark into my soul. I can't wait to hit that pavement again.

I've decided that I want to do some sort of organized race each weekend. It will keep me motivated and I will get tons of free shirts. I fucking love workout shirts. And razors....those always seem to be in our goodie bags.

I've also decided that I want to take the race pictures (or take one of myself if there are no photographers) and use them as progress pictures. I took a picture from that traumatizing race last weekend which I will use as my first/before picture.

 

 

Julia's Run for Children is on Sunday! Stay tuned. 

Big baby.

So, yesterday, Chris asked me if I wanted to do a 3.5 mile race today. Normally, it would take a lot of convincing to say yes, but I agreed. I knew I didn't workout yesterday and am trying to make sure I get some sort of activity in 6 days a week.

So we're running and running, and I'm feeling pretty shitty. I have a calf cramp on one leg and a shin splint in the other. I can feel my heart fluttering in my chest and I'm breathing like the world is about to run out of oxygen. Chris and I were running together and I always feel bad running with him because I hold him back. I told him a few times to run ahead but he didn't. So I started to get upset...

First water stop--I felt like I was in last place and that the guys were just standing there just kind of waiting for us slow folk to finally get to them. Mile 2...Chris finally ran ahead to catch up with his sister and I was left alone. Like, really alone. It was a smaller race so there weren't too many people around me.

Once I was getting closer to the finish, the workers were starting to clean up all the cones before I even got to them. Even some of the cops were getting on their bikes, leaving their posts and heading back to the finish. I was heartbroken. I felt like I was holding up the whole event, that I was taking longer than they had expected, that I was the last one (which I wasn't...there were some people further behind me). We all know how I feel about finishing last. My fitness self esteem is very fragile so once I got to that finish line, I fucking broke down. I didn't even give the timer guy my ticket...I just walked off and started crying. Not just some tears, like genuinely crying.

I finally calmed down, got my free carbohydrates and shook it off. At least I did it. I could have stayed home and been lazy so I have to at least be proud of that.

Now I'm sitting here, looking up more 5k's to run. I never want to feel that way again and I won't. Maybe one day I'll be able to keep up with my boyfriend...and maybe even beat him...

Awesome.

Everything about Crossfit Milford is awesome. However, their coaches and my fellow athletes are above and beyond any word that I can come up with to describe them.

Last week, I had a rough workout (see previous post) and it really got me down. I vented on facebook, thinking I would get a few likes. Within 10 minutes, my status blew up...even people I am not friends with were commenting on it (which reminds me, I need to take a look at my privacy settings...). Jay--Crossfit Milford's owner cheered me up...along with his wife Jocelyn, a few coaches and a handful of my fellow athletes. I was honestly shocked at how much love I received. Even in the coming days, people were coming up to me at the gym letting me know how much of a beast I am and that I had no reason to ever feel the way I did.

So this is me saying thank you. Your words and ecouragement made me feel like a million bucks--or more like a billion, in this economy. That day is only but a memory and something I will never dwell on again.

Also, an extra huge shout out to coach Gina. This woman stood by me the whole workout to cheer me on. She even got me a cute present to cheer me up a few days later. The Book of Awesome. A journal to write down everything that is awesome about my life...from the little things, to the big things. It is one of the most thoughtful gifts I've gotten in a while. This blog is going to be filled with my journal entries from that book, just a warning.

And that, my loyal readers, is why I have no fucking problem spending $160 on my gym membership. My gym gives me hope and encouragement rather than bagels and tootsie rolls. That chick next to you on the treadmill isn't going to give enough of a shit to take her eyes of her "People Magazine" to tell you to keep pushing through a tough workout. But I know damn well that my friends at CFM will take a few extra minutes out of their day to make sure I go to bed with my head held high.

So, again, thank you. You're all awesome.

Fuck this.

Those were the exact words in my head as I stood, looking around at everyone else crushing last nights workout.

35 thrusters @ 95#
60 burpees

At the 8 minute mark, everyone was already well into their 60 burpees and I was still at 28 reps on the thrusters. It was heartbreaking to be that far behind. Once I got to the burpees, all I wanted to do was stop and walk away. Coach Gina was beside me the whole way, cheering me on. It was a blessing in disguise because I normally would just half-ass it and finish when I wanted rather than when I was 'done'. I had lost count and was on my knees trying to control my tears when she yelled for me to do at least 10 more and counted them out for me. After her high-five, I sat over on a box, kicking at it, trying not to cry.

I should have been proud. There were guys doing to same weight as I was and only one other girl RXing it, who finished almost as far behind everyone else as I did. However, all I could focus on was the fact that I was last. Dead last. People already cleaned up and stretching last.

I guess I'm just tired of this body. I'm tired of always coming in last or close to it. Tired of getting winded well before anyone else. I've been crossfitting for over 2 years. Yes, it will always be tough--that's the point. But it doesn't feel like it has gotten any easier either.

But I need to stop focusing on the negative and be proud for actually going. Like I said on my facebook, it's not when you finish, it's how you finish. And at least I went, worked out, and finished. Had it been a few weeks ago, I would have skipped the workout all together.

It's a new day, filled with nothing but positive thoughts and even stronger motivation. I never want to feel what I felt yesterday ever again. Food is on point, workouts are consistant, results will be on their way shortly--I'm sure of it.

How do you know?

I've been doing alot of nutrition research lately and honestly, my head is spinning from it. Scienitific studies say one thing one day, and then the next day it's saying something else. Low fat is good, now high fat is better. Carbs were the enemy yesterday, but now they are our best friend.

How do you know which scientific finding to stick with?!

Lately, I have been reading up on Carb Back Loading. In a nutshell, its saying to keep carbs low/non existant throughout the day, then hoard on them after your PM workout. They use a lot of big words that I cant recall at the moment as to why this is beneficial, but it kind of makes sense.

I used to be strict paleo. You couldn't even get me to touch a grain of rice. I lost alot of weight and felt really healthy. However, by Wed/Thurs, my workouts were shit. I was spent after just the warm ups. I thought this was normal and that it was okay but come to find out, I was doing more harm to my body than good. And, my weight never stayed off while I was doing paleo. I would eventually have a huge binge fest because my cravings were unbearable.

So this coming week (since I grocery shop on Sundays, testing this week didn't happen) I am going to add more carbs into my dinners. Plus, I'm going to add sweet potato puree to my protein shakes right after my workouts.

We will see how my workouts do after these changes. I'm very curious.

Also, will be staying away from the scale because I know these changes are going to fuck with my numbers and if I don't see progress I usually cut calories like crazy. Bad bad Maurer.

Spring has sprung...

...and so have I. (man, if I had a penis that would make for a really awkward opening)

I don’t live. I just exist.

If someone were to ask what I do, I could give you a play by play of how my life goes every.single.day.

Wake up, shower, go to work, be miserable at work, complain about work on twitter, complain about work to my boyfriend, go home, watch Barefoot Contessa, go to the gym, come home, shower again, eat, watch more tv and then try to shut my mind off long enough to get some sleep.

I literally do this exact routine every single day. On weekends, I mope around the house using ‘destressing’ as an excuse to be lazy.

I sit here on my ass, day after day, wondering why I’m always so miserable.

 “Work is stressful”—but, is it really? I have to deal with calls all day but nothing affects MY life. Once I leave, no one is calling me at home for money and no one is bothering me for reports. My boyfriend raised a good question to me once “why do allow yourself to take your work home with you?” and it was a damn good question. I had no answer to justify why I let work drag me down and affect my life the way I’ve let it for so long.

“I’m broke”—but, am I really? I live on my own, pay all of my bills with no problem, and am able to put food in my belly. I’ve even been able to put money away each week instead of spending it on stupid things so that I can have a few GREAT things in my life soon.

“I hate the way I look”—but, do I really?...well, yes, yes I do. However, I am starting to appreciate myself more and more. I have a beautiful face, I am strong, I’m tall and curvy, and pretty soon I WILL be able to say that I love my body.

So what’s my problem? I guess I just let my negative thoughts get the best of me. I let my mind believe my day is going to be hell before I even experience it.

Today is the first day of spring, and it also sparks the first day of a new me. No more negative thoughts. No more allowing myself to be depressed about things I cannot change. No more being lazy and WASTING precious time. I want to do things. I want to laugh every day. I want to live. Because life is too fucking short.

 

 

Positive thinking.

I need a personaltiy makeover. (and probably a physical one as well according to just about everyone I know--sorry, but my love for sweatpants will never cease!)

Back to the main topic. Positive thinking. I should really give it a try one day. And by one day I mean, like, every day.

As soon as I wake up in the morning, I am defeated by my brain of negative energy and thoughts.

Work is going to suck.

I'm too fat to fit in that outfit today.

Ugh, my roommate will be in the kitchen the same time that I am, I just want to eat in peace.

Today's workout is going to make me feel really shitty about myself.

And then there is my negative thinking about people around me.

God, she is so fucking lazy and talks like a goddamn idiot.

Oh you lost 5lbs this week? Sorry honey, it's just water weight.

Your nails look stupid.

She got engaged? I give it 2 years.

How do I just stop? How do I wake up feeling ready to tackle the day? How do I get excited to wake up in the morning rather than be excited just to go to bed and sleep away the world at night? How do I just let people live their lives without thinking of some way to put them down even if its just in my own head?

My boyfriend always asks 'why do you care?' when I talk shit about how my sister is living her life. Or, 'why do you let work get to you so much?' when I tell him how depressed I am about how shitty work has been.

I don't have an answer. There shouldn't be an answer. The questions shouldn't even be asked. I should just be living life to the fullest...enjoying each moment, being happy for other peopls happiness. I just don't know how. 

Planks

I hate them. I hate everything about them. You can call them Front Lean Raises all you want, but I know that it is just a plank on roids.

Last night we had to do plank walk outs. Not a fan.

Everytime we have to do something involving a plank, I literally just get pissed off. I try to do it for the first minute or so, then I just lose it. I swear under my breath, talk to myself about how fucking stupid they are, and then I eventually stand up in frustration and walk away from them.

Why do I hate them so much? I'm not totally sure. There are plenty of moves that I am not good at or dont care for, yet they don't get me as worked up as planks do.

Maybe I'm just weird.

Dentists are evil

So, I have gone 26 years of only needing cleanings at the dentist. I've never had a cavity, braces, or any other dental work. Until yesterday.

I had my first cavity this year. Yesterday I had to get it drilled. Man, I was terrified. I was shaking in that chair, wondering how much it was going to hurt. Let me tell you though, novacane is a fantastic thing. I didn't feel anything! Until it wore off.....

I feel like I've been punched in the face, like ten times.

But, even with a half numb face, I still went to the gym. I figured last night's workout of all squats wouldn't be too dangerous. Last thing I need is to bite the shit out of my mouth. So if there were DU's and burpees, my ass would have stayed home.

What the hell

So I love power cleans. They make any shitty day turn into an awesome one. I've been doing the move for almost 3 years now. All of a sudden Jay comes up to me last night and fucks all my shit up. My grip has been wrong and I haven't been getting low enough under the bar. So last night I was all out of whack trying to get my form right. I ain't mad though. I'd rather do it the right way than look like an idiot. My ego just took another blow, is all. Two days in a row.

Going to the dentist today to get my first cavity filled. I.am.terrified. Is it going to hurt? Will my face be too numb to workout afterwards? Will I drool all over myself like a fool? We shall see.

I'm feeling exhausted. It's only Tuesday and I feel like I should have an IV pumping me with caffeine all day.

There's just no way around it...

You just cannot make a healthy and satisfying pizza without real dough and toppings.

I tried out my first recipe from my Paleo Bread book...pizza dough. I was so excited. I LOVE pizza and not being able to eat it whenever I want is really sad. So I gave it a try.

Epic fail.

It tasted like I was eating cheese and sauce on top of a giant dry and grainy almond.

Kudos to my boyfriend who put on a happy face and ate more of his than I did mine. Once he saw me just start to pull off the cheese and bacon to eat it by itself, he finally admitted that it wasn't the greatest tasting. So we hit up Wendy's instead. I got a chili and some chicken nuggets. And we ended up getting free fries. I gave them to my roommate....poor kid.....(see recent post)

I took the cooking failure hard. I have only made one horrible tasting dish before (buffalo chicken meatloaf...dry.as.fuck.) so it didn't feel nice. A big blow to the ego is never fun. It broke my heart throwing out all that uneaten pizza dough since I am a self procclaimed food hoarder (and because almond flour is expensive as shit). I wanted to throw it outside for the animals but my boyfriend insisted that even they wouldn't eat it. He's such a sweetheart sometimes.

Stress.

It really sucks. Like really....sucks...

Work has been less than enjoyable lately. Normally it's 'ehh okay' and tolerable. But lately, it's been 'fuck.my.life.with.a.rusty.knife' kinda bad. Anytime my phone rings, waves of anxiety blast through me. Anyone who works in accounts payable in this economy knows what I'm talking about.

Stress does crazy things to me. It keeps me fat. Seriously, I've been on my fucking game for the past two weeks with eating and working out. I haven't lost a pound since Saturday. Today is Thursday, for those of you wondering. Fucking Thursday. I'm running in the morning, drinking green tea, eating lean meats, healthy fats, veggies, drinking my weight in water and working out again at night...and nothing.

Not to mention, I'm depressed as fuck. Fighting the urges to binge on chocolate have been harder than ever. All I want to do once I get home is retreat to my room and not talk to a single person.

Hope this is over soon. I don't know how much more I can take.

My poor roommate.

I don't know if you've read my previous post about me being a food hoarder. But, basically...if I buy food, it needs to be eaten. I don't care by who, as long as they dont end up in the trash.

This is where my roommate comes in.

Example A: My mom sent me a Valentine's Day care package filled with my favorite chocolates. I couldn't just throw them out (if my boyfriend was here he'd be grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me). It's good food! You can't let it go to waste!! So I gave my box of goodies to my roommate and asked him to either consume them, hide them from me, or throw them out while I wasn't looking.

Naturally, he ate them.

Example B: Half a box of Cosmic Brownies ended up coming home with me after a trip to VT with my cousin. I showed him where they were hidden knowing very well that he would eat them all on me. My plan worked. Rather quickly too.

But, don't feel too bad for him. He's always wanting to gain weight because he was that scrawny tall awkward kid most of his life. He's put on a good 30lbs living with me and he is pretty excited about it. So we work out well as a team!

I miss bread.

Bread and I have a very unhealthy relationship. All I do is show it immense and unconditional love and what do I get in return? The total opposite of love in the form of bloat and gas. Yet, I keep going back. Why do us ladies just have to hang on to those who treat us the worst?

Alright, that was a bit over dramatic but you get the idea. Bread makes me feel like poo but sometimes there's nothing better than a warmed dinner roll smothered with sweet cream butter, am I right?

This past weekend I met up with some old friends for lunch. I had promised myself to just get something small and healthy but once I stepped in the restaurant, I saw that they had Gluten Free rolls! Now, they probably weren't 100% paleo, but it was a start. I was so excited to be able to eat a sandwich. They are my favorite. Also, the pizza place we ordered from that night had Gluten Free pizza. I'm loving that this trend is catching on.

More exciting news: I purchased a paleo bread recipe book. There's recipes for dinner rolls, burger buns, pizza dough, cinnamon rolls...I seriously died and went to heaven. But then God was all like "No, its too soon! You must bless people with your baking!" so I came back down.

I've always wanted to open a bakery. And I believe we are in serious need of a place that serves paleo treats?

Side note: I need to get my allergy test done. I'm actually hoping I'm allergic to gluten so I can shove it in my boyfriends face. We're a fun couple.

Fight like a girl

I want to watch the UFC fight this weekened so.fucking.bad. Ronda Rosey is an awesome fighter...but she wins everything by the armbar! Can she win without it?! I need to know! Carmouche is definitely going to be ready for it so it'll be interesting to see if Ronda can still kick some ass.

Not to mention, this is the first official UFC fight with women...not only that, but they are HEADLINING!! That's HUGE!. I really really miss martial arts. Always contemplate getting back into it.

You probably have no idea what I was talking about, do you? Its okay...

Look Rosey up. She's a badass. So is Carmouche.

Workout yesterday was harder than it looked. Basically we had to do about 100 overhead squats. Nothing about the OHS is difficult for me...I have the flexibility, I have the strength, I have the balance. However, its my wrists that fuck it all up. OHS are so painful...almost to the point where I don't even believe it should be a legitimate move because of the pain it causes. And I know I'm not the only one with that problem. Hoping wrist bands will help.

Rainbow Gardens in Milford makes THE best sweet potato fries. And wraps. Creol mayonnaise, what? Amazing. Tastes even better when it's free.

Good morning

Today started out on a good note. I got in 3 miles this morning which felt good...once I was done, of course. I'm still not a huge fan of the whole running thing, but I am trying my best. Yesterday I banged out 4 miles. Today, my legs just felt like jello. I think I need to add some sweet potato to my dinner...

Breakfast was nice and peaceful. I didn't have to dance around my roommate in the kitchen like I usually do. I love having a quiet breakfast alone.

Then, on my drive to work...my amazing Ipod was like "hey pretty lady, let me get your day REALLY started" and next thing you know Usher was flowing through my speakers. "There goes my baby" has to be one of my favorite songs ever. I have never skipped it when it comes on. Not once.

Happy Hump Day

Failure.

Leave it to Biggest Loser to give me another well needed therapy session. When some of the contestants talk about what got them there, what holds them back, I just sit there in tears nodding my head "me too, me too."

Failure. That's the word that rings inside my head constantly. I feel like I haven't ever been a winner.

The workout yesterday...I was one of the first to finish, but I didn't use the RX weight. I can't be happy for the fact that I powered through the workout because I used 10lbs less than I was 'supposed to'. Why can't I be strong AND fast? Why does it always have to be one or the other...Is it weird that I am so hard on myself?

As Crossfit Opens roll around, all I can think about is the opportunity I wasted last year. I was asked by Jay himself to be a part of the Crossfit Milford Team. Did I think he had the wrong email when I opened it and read it? Absolutely. Did I think he was crazy? Absolutely. Did I 100% doubt my talent and ability to be a contributing member of the team? Absolutely. I think I made it through 2 weeks of extra training to prepare for the competition and faded away into the background. I failed. On purpose. Because I was too afraid to fail after putting in so much hard work. I am defeated before I even try.

Sitting in the bleachers watching them at regionals was heartbreaking. I could have been in there. I could have been great.

This mindset of mine needs to stop. How do I make it stop?


Workout yesterday:

5 rounds
12 DL
9 Hang Power Cleans
6 Shoulder to overhead

RX weight was 95 but I used 85. Finished 9:30ish

Death to challenges

I think I am going to give up on challenges for good. At least the paleo ones. No one lives life being 100% perfect and when I try to, everything all goes to shit. So I am done with them.

I was going to sign up for one that started yesterday. $45. I was all ready and set to go...but stopped myself. I sat here thinking about how miserable I am when I limit myself to such an extreme. And also...now with Coach Jay talking about eating carbs, it got me thinking. When I am 100% paleo, I get so worn out and tired by Wed/Thurs that I can barely even finish the workout. I think if I add in the carbs (sweet potato, rice, oats) that I will be able to workout that much harder.

We will see how it goes.

Built like an OX

I like being strong. No, I love being strong. I love throwing most women's 1 rep PR weight around like its my warm up. I love being able to hang with the boys.

However, I am like an Ox. I am strong as shit but ask me to run anywhere for longer than a 30 sec sprint and it's going to get ugly.

I want the best of both worlds. I want to be strong AND fast. I want to be a threat in ANY workout. I want people to look at me and admire me for my strength AND speed. How do I get there?

I know what I need to do. However, there is still a part in me that wants to seek help. I was considering going to Dr. Jaime...get some bloodwork done. Maybe get some tips on nutrition. Specifically how to drop weight without losing strength...

Hangin' with the boys

I love heavy lifting days. What I love even more is when I am lifting the same weight as all the guys that are surrounding me. 135# for 24 hang power cleans (12 sets of 2). It was the most fun I've had in a long time. I had put 35 and 10 plates on my bar thinking I'd probably need to drop weight. However, once I saw the guys around me pulling the same load, I made sure I stuck with it. I really do enjoy working out in the boys corner.

Ask me to out run them? And I'll tell you to go fuck yourself...

Side note: Biggest Loser needs to be on repeat all week. It gets me so pumped to go workout. I need to find all the past seasons and keep myself motivated.

Cabin Fever

Day 2 of being stuck inside our house. Our street still has yet to be plowed and I don't think it will be until tomorrow. We live on a dead end so we are a low priority. How fun.

I did well with eating yesterday but I really wasn't expecting to be stuck in here past dinner time last night so I ran out of food. We made the 1.5 mile walk to Wendy and I got myself a chicken sandwich and fries. Don't judge me. Walking in 3ft of snow is no fucking joke. I deserved that damn sandwich. Tonight we might be venturing out to Taco Bell. Or Subway. Luckily we are close to civilization.

Work is cancelled tomorrow. So excited. I really didn't think I would get the day off. Looking forward to a day where I can truly relax since all the shoveling is done.

Snow day

Well, I went into work today at 6:30am. Heading home now at 8:30 since the roads are getting bad.

A little nervous. When I am stuck home all day, I have the tendancy to be lazy and fat.

Luckily I went grocery shopping last night while I was still on my high from working out so I didn't get any junk food. I got apples, strawberries, hummus, sweet potato chips, bacon (a necessity in ANY situation) and stuff to make taco salads for dinner. No sour cream, no cheese sauce...whole wheat tortillas instead of flour.

I'm actually hoping that I can get a crossfit workout in. Power clean day? How can I resist??

Wish me luck.

Food addict

Honestly, my brain cannot comprehend how someone can sit next to a box of munchkins and not obsess about eating one until they give in.

That's how my brain works. It tourments me. "Just have one...one won't kill you...just eat it...someone else is going to eat them all..." My brain is such a dick.

That's one of the big reasons why weight loss is so hard for me. I obsess about food. Constantly.

If there is food anywhere near me, it is all I think about until I force myself to keep my brain busy or I eventually give in to shut myself up.

Am I alone in this? I hope not. I feel like a freak.

FebRuary 5th

Can someone explain to me why there is an extra R in February? Or why people pronounce it Febuary instead? People are weird.

Workout yesterday:
Close-Grip bench 10 min to reach a max: I failed at 125#. Bench isnt my favorite
Pull up work on the gravitron machine

10 min AMRAP of
10 ring rows
10 KB swings (35#)

It's always fun to workout by all of the guys and see that you are both swinging the same weight. Makes me feel pretty good. Makes me want to work even harder so they'll be upset that a girl is showing them up using the same weight.

Side rant: I hate when there are different expectations for guys and gals. Granted, difference in weight is fine because I have no problem admitting that men are physically stronger than women. But why do I get to only row for 10 calories while they go for 20?

You know it's bad when...

...your boyfriend forces you to throw out half a box of leftover Junior Mints because he knows how big of a food hoarder you are. He actually forced my hand to grab the box and walked me to the garbage because he knows that if it is in the house, I will eat it. That's love.

He even went back to the garbage and actually opened the box, dumped the mints into the trash and shook it to make sure they would all fall to the bottom so I wouldn't go in and try to steal the box back while he wasn't looking. That's sad on my part. Very sad. I just can't throw out uneaten edible food. Even if it's horrible for me.

I tried making up every excuse in the book not to workout tonight but, alas, I made the mistake of following a bunch of fitness people on instagram. I was going to stay home, grab some pizza and ice cream and have one last night of fatness. Then I saw this picture...

...and I was all like 'fuck you...you're right'

Heading to the 630 class. Hopefully the girl that lifts more than me is there. She always pushes me and I love it. I should hire her to just workout with me every night. Or, I don't know, make conversation and become friends? 

My friend making skills could use some work...

Here's to hoping...

...that I will be successful this month.

January was a fucking waste.

Back at it...again....times a million

I feel like I've said this so many times. Starting over! So excited! This time I am serious!

Fuck that. This time I'm not going to get so crazy about it. I am just going to go with the flow and try not to put too much pressure on myself. No time lines. No countdowns. Just doing it and getting it done

Today's workout:
3x5 Romanian Dead Lifts: 75/85/95

10 minutes (every minute on the minute)
2 power cleans @ 115#

-Then-
20 minutes AMRAP
10 kb swings @ 35#
10 push ups
10 calories on the rower

I stood on the boy's side. I didn't realize there were sides until I was looking around the other day and noticed that all the girls always stand off to one side while the guys are on the other--with me right in the middle of them. Guys don't bullshit or feel the need to talk to each other between sets. It's nice. It's what I like.

Winter blues

Dear winter,

While your snow is fun to watch as it floats effortlessly down towards the earth...you are possibly the most annoying season ever. I will give you a few reasons as to why:

1. Static. Nothing is more annoying than blow drying your hair to perfection and have it cling to fucking everything two minutes later. Why yes, 'electroshock chic' is precisely the look I was going for today.

2. Clothing. Now, being a fatty who loves to hide in baggy clothing...I've finally come to realize that it's not a good work look. Warm-work appropriate clothing is expensive. And itchy. And dull. I want my colorful summer clothes back.

3. Ice. I want to be able to walk out to my car, full force; like a lion going after its prey--no hesitation. I don't like waddling with my hands out to the side for balance, praying that I wont slip and fall.

4. Depression. There's nothing like seeing dead trees with a dreary grey backdrop that makes me want to live life to the fullest. It makes me want to go home, cry to myself, and stuff myself with chocolate covered caramel popcorn. And watch lots and lots of trashy Bravo reality TV. Dem housewives be cray...

Here's the hoping spring comes quick. I dont know how much longer I can take.

Meat-Crust Quiche

Meat crust...sounds appealling doesn't it? If you know me, then you know that I am not kidding. All foods should come with a meat crust. #truth

Anywho. Here is another one from PaleOMG.com. I love that woman. In a complete foodie kind of way.

Ingredients:

1lb of sausage (I used sweet italian sausage--without the casing)
1 small sweet potato
1/2 yellow onion
2 cups of fresh spinach
5 eggs, whisked
1 garlic clove
1 tsp garlic powder
1/8 tsp ground paprika (just realized that I read this wrong and used 1/2 tsp...came out just fine)
salt & pepper
2 tablespoon of fat (I used bacon fat)

Take your meat and spread it out into your pie pan. Make sure to push it up along the edges just like you would a regular crust. 

Pop it in the 375 preheated oven for about 10 minutes to let it cook a bit. Doesn't have to cook all the way.

While its cooking, get your frying pan ready. Put in your fat of choice and add in your onions, garlic and sweet potato. I chopped up my sweet potato to small cubes so that they would cook faster. 

Cook down until your onions are translucent and your potatoes are tender. Now add in your spinach and let them cook down. It may seem like a lot but they will wilt down to nothing. 

Take the pan off the heat and let the mixture cool. Take your meat crust out of the oven.

In a large bowl, whisk together your eggs, garlic powder, paprika, salt and pepper. Add in your vegetable mixture and mix together.

Pour over the meat crust. It may go over the crust...that's fine. 

Throw it back in the oven and let it cook! Mine was in there for about 25 minutes but keep an eye on it. If you touch the egg mixture and it bounces back, it is good to go!

Probably one of the best breakfasts I've ever had. And I've made some seriously unhealthy and absurdly delicious breakfasts before.