Failure.

Leave it to Biggest Loser to give me another well needed therapy session. When some of the contestants talk about what got them there, what holds them back, I just sit there in tears nodding my head "me too, me too."

Failure. That's the word that rings inside my head constantly. I feel like I haven't ever been a winner.

The workout yesterday...I was one of the first to finish, but I didn't use the RX weight. I can't be happy for the fact that I powered through the workout because I used 10lbs less than I was 'supposed to'. Why can't I be strong AND fast? Why does it always have to be one or the other...Is it weird that I am so hard on myself?

As Crossfit Opens roll around, all I can think about is the opportunity I wasted last year. I was asked by Jay himself to be a part of the Crossfit Milford Team. Did I think he had the wrong email when I opened it and read it? Absolutely. Did I think he was crazy? Absolutely. Did I 100% doubt my talent and ability to be a contributing member of the team? Absolutely. I think I made it through 2 weeks of extra training to prepare for the competition and faded away into the background. I failed. On purpose. Because I was too afraid to fail after putting in so much hard work. I am defeated before I even try.

Sitting in the bleachers watching them at regionals was heartbreaking. I could have been in there. I could have been great.

This mindset of mine needs to stop. How do I make it stop?


Workout yesterday:

5 rounds
12 DL
9 Hang Power Cleans
6 Shoulder to overhead

RX weight was 95 but I used 85. Finished 9:30ish