Thursday, March 15, 2012

Cavemen would totally dig a girl like me...

People make it look so easy to date when in reality, it fucking blows. The last date I went on, he spent the entire night texting his buddies because, and I quote, he “literally cannot live without [his] phone”. No thanks bro. A few dates before that, the dude brought thigh high stockings for me to wear for him…on our first date…you think I’m kidding. He literally begged me to put them on. Needless to say, I never contacted that kid ever again. I save my thigh high moments for…uhh, never. I’m not 5 nor am I making a porno.

I’ve gotten countless tips from friends about what I should and should not do/say during a date. The one suggestion I got that I don’t agree with is that apparently I shouldn’t talk about my workout routine because it’s intimidating. I’m sorry but Crossfit is a HUGE part of my life, I’m not going to hide that. Also, honestly, if the guy is intimidated by a strong woman to begin with, then I want nothing to do with them either. Grow a pair.

To answer a question you’re probably wondering…yes, I met most of my failed dates online. I’m a bit shy in person (understatement of the year!) so I took the virtual route. A route I have since regretted but, nevertheless, I had to put myself out there somehow.  My online profile is normal, cheery, and full of bullshitty fluff to make me seem a little less intimidating. I haven’t logged on in quite some time because I am tired of the same emails I get all the time—

“You seem like a nice girl, would love to get to know you!”

“We’d make awesome babies together!”

“Ur profile is kool. We have alot in commen, we shuld chat smetime!”

However, I think I may give it another go. Except this round, I want to try an experiment. I’m going to lay it all out there. Be brutally honest. Swear. Show them what I am really like. It’ll go a little something like this…

I can deadlift your body weight.

Oh, you’re still reading? Fabulous. You passed the first test. I’m a crossfitter. I lift heavy things on the reg and I’m not ashamed of it. If you want a chance with me, you shouldn’t be either.

I like to do outdoorsy things. Meaning, I’d rather spend my day outside in the mud than being indoors and staying pretty. I’ve been ziplining, parasailing, white water rafting, tubing off of boats, camping, off roading, snow mobiling, etc etc. I’ve gotten a manicure about 10 times in my entire life. See where I’m going with this?

I’m not jealous. I don’t do drama. I’m not going to call you 10 times because you didn’t answer my text quickly enough. I don’t fight unless it’s over the remote because you want to watch politics. And by fight I mean, we’z gunna wrestle. Winner takes all. Loser (you) gets forced to watch either Intervention or Diner’s Drive In’s and Dives.

I prefer boxer shorts over lingerie; sneakers over heels; flip flops over everything. It takes me less than an hour to get ready for a date; less than 2 minutes to go to the grocery store. I own 1 piece of jewelry and I don’t even know where it is. I think it’s a necklace.

I love animals. When I win the lottery, I plan on being a dog hoarder. Big ones, not those noisey small ones.

Enough about me. Let’s talk about you. You’re active. I don’t care if you can run a 6 minute mile or a 15 minute mile, as long as you enjoy being active and outdoors. You can hold a conversation about anything, yet you know when to shut the fuck up. You can tell me the difference between ‘then’ and ‘than’. You like sweets. You won’t mind taste testing my sweets. You have a perverted mind that took that the wrong way. Last but not least, you’re not a douchebag. Waving your credit card and yelling “ay yo!” to your waitress (yes, this actually happened) will get you absolutely nowhere with me.

How’s it look? We’ll see what kind of responses I get…any interest in hearing the best ones?

In the meantime, if there are any single crossfitting males out there looking for a sarcastic, dog loving, quirky crossfitting female…please come find me. I’m convinced you guys are the only ones that would be able to handle me. Plus, you’re probably hot.


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Listening to Eminem makes me want to rant...

Can we discuss something for a second here? I don’t know why I’m asking but whatever…

Why why why are women’s workout clothing so fucking ridiculously made?

“Oh hey, you’re a little chubby…yikes, okay… all we can offer you is this skin tight, ultra-low v neck, polyester tank top in fuchsia and bright orange from our spring collection. However the biggest size we carry is large and it’s more of a youth medium in terms of fit”

Fuck you.

I’m sorry for the vulgarity but seriously. Why do I have to shop in the men’s section for a shirt that doesn’t expose my rack and spare tire and doesn’t turn me into a human color wheel? Don’t even get me STARTED on the length of the damn things. Did I miss the part where all females are under 5’5”? Do people not need to lift their arms over their heads anymore?

And sports bras…really? I have to double up on them just for an ounce of less bounce. Yeah, there are some great bras out there……for $60 a pop. (Note to coaches: anything involving jumping is sheer torture for us overly-endowed females. I can deal with it during WODs but for the love of god, stop making us do jumping jacks as a group in a circle. It’s uncomfortable on all fronts—haha, get it?) Did you just feel the ground move Mr. Sports Authority employee? Oh, that was just me in the dressing room doing my jump test. Failed.

Maybe I’m the only one who feels this way. After all, I am a 5’10” female with giant hooters and a torso that runs for days. So, I get it; I’m not your average make and model. However, it would be nice for at least ONE company to cater to my abnormal measurements. Is that too much to ask?

Friday, March 2, 2012

Happy Anniversary! me

Today is March 2, 2012 and it is also my 2 year anniversary of my lifestyle change.

Two years ago, I was about 70lbs heavier, severely depressed, and only wanted to get out of bed if it was to stuff my face with some type of carb or baked good. A phone call from my father changed my life (shout out to my daddy! Love you) All it took was for someone to see my spark fade; for someone to show that they were worried for me to snap out of it and make some changes.

I joined the Fitness Edge and dropped 11lbs in less than 2 weeks. I was flying high. I joined their weight loss contest where I was introduced to eating Paleo. 5 months later, I was down 50lbs. I felt amazing but I was getting bored. I knew how to weight train but never wanted to go down to the area because it was always full of guys and I felt like everyone would be watching me. I lived on the treadmill (after finally giving up the stupid elliptical) and hit a plateau.

A month later, I was in my first on ramp class with Colin and Mark. Our workout was squats, sit ups and running. “Running! Nice!” I thought…until I made it back from that first round and realized I was still severely out of shape, even after months on the treadmill.

Fast forward to the present, and I couldn’t imagine spending more than 30 minutes on a treadmill ever again. I couldn’t imagine a workout that didn’t involve a barbell or dumbbell. I love working out. I love feeling like shit after a workout just because I know I’m going to feel amazing an hour later. I love my new friends and support group. I will never give this up. I will never go back to the way I was.

Sometimes I wish I would be further along than I am right now. It has been 2 years and I wanted to be down 100lbs at this point. However, this was the first time in my long fat life that I was able to drop a substantial amount of weight…and keep it off. So that in itself is an accomplishment I am proud of.

2012 will be the year I hit my 100lb loss. It will also be the year I do a strict pull-up, a handstand pushup, a muscle up and wear a tight dress in public (I’ve never made it out of the dressing room in one).

HUGE shout out to my friends at Crossfit Milford…you guys have made my life so much easier just by being the best supporters EVER.