Cavemen would totally dig a girl like me...

People make it look so easy to date when in reality, it fucking blows. The last date I went on, he spent the entire night texting his buddies because, and I quote, he “literally cannot live without [his] phone”. No thanks bro. A few dates before that, the dude brought thigh high stockings for me to wear for him…on our first date…you think I’m kidding. He literally begged me to put them on. Needless to say, I never contacted that kid ever again. I save my thigh high moments for…uhh, never. I’m not 5 nor am I making a porno.

I’ve gotten countless tips from friends about what I should and should not do/say during a date. The one suggestion I got that I don’t agree with is that apparently I shouldn’t talk about my workout routine because it’s intimidating. I’m sorry but Crossfit is a HUGE part of my life, I’m not going to hide that. Also, honestly, if the guy is intimidated by a strong woman to begin with, then I want nothing to do with them either. Grow a pair.

To answer a question you’re probably wondering…yes, I met most of my failed dates online. I’m a bit shy in person (understatement of the year!) so I took the virtual route. A route I have since regretted but, nevertheless, I had to put myself out there somehow.  My online profile is normal, cheery, and full of bullshitty fluff to make me seem a little less intimidating. I haven’t logged on in quite some time because I am tired of the same emails I get all the time—

“You seem like a nice girl, would love to get to know you!”

“We’d make awesome babies together!”

“Ur profile is kool. We have alot in commen, we shuld chat smetime!”

However, I think I may give it another go. Except this round, I want to try an experiment. I’m going to lay it all out there. Be brutally honest. Swear. Show them what I am really like. It’ll go a little something like this…

I can deadlift your body weight.

Oh, you’re still reading? Fabulous. You passed the first test. I’m a crossfitter. I lift heavy things on the reg and I’m not ashamed of it. If you want a chance with me, you shouldn’t be either.

I like to do outdoorsy things. Meaning, I’d rather spend my day outside in the mud than being indoors and staying pretty. I’ve been ziplining, parasailing, white water rafting, tubing off of boats, camping, off roading, snow mobiling, etc etc. I’ve gotten a manicure about 10 times in my entire life. See where I’m going with this?

I’m not jealous. I don’t do drama. I’m not going to call you 10 times because you didn’t answer my text quickly enough. I don’t fight unless it’s over the remote because you want to watch politics. And by fight I mean, we’z gunna wrestle. Winner takes all. Loser (you) gets forced to watch either Intervention or Diner’s Drive In’s and Dives.

I prefer boxer shorts over lingerie; sneakers over heels; flip flops over everything. It takes me less than an hour to get ready for a date; less than 2 minutes to go to the grocery store. I own 1 piece of jewelry and I don’t even know where it is. I think it’s a necklace.

I love animals. When I win the lottery, I plan on being a dog hoarder. Big ones, not those noisey small ones.

Enough about me. Let’s talk about you. You’re active. I don’t care if you can run a 6 minute mile or a 15 minute mile, as long as you enjoy being active and outdoors. You can hold a conversation about anything, yet you know when to shut the fuck up. You can tell me the difference between ‘then’ and ‘than’. You like sweets. You won’t mind taste testing my sweets. You have a perverted mind that took that the wrong way. Last but not least, you’re not a douchebag. Waving your credit card and yelling “ay yo!” to your waitress (yes, this actually happened) will get you absolutely nowhere with me.

How’s it look? We’ll see what kind of responses I get…any interest in hearing the best ones?

In the meantime, if there are any single crossfitting males out there looking for a sarcastic, dog loving, quirky crossfitting female…please come find me. I’m convinced you guys are the only ones that would be able to handle me. Plus, you’re probably hot.

XOXO

Maurer