Trust me, I'm a professional...

So, some of you may or may not know, but I've lost about 70lbs in the past two years. I am constantly being asked how I did it; if I have any tips; like omg you don’t eat carbs?! So I figured I’d sit down and come up with the most useful tips to share with the world. Just kidding. My blog will only reach about 50 people, but who’s counting?

Before I give you the tips to live by, I am going to say one thing. Well, a few probably. Sue me.

I can tell you ‘til I’m blue in the face what changes you can make to your workout and diet routine but unless you are 100% willing to put in the effort, it is NOT going to happen. I can guarantee that. You can’t go into something like this half assed and expect a miracle. Also, what works for me may not work for you so test a few options out…like a buffet but a whole lot less fattening.  

1.      Stop fucking calling it a diet. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! Just stop. I honestly get mad when people ask me if I’m still on ‘that diet’. No asshole, this is just how I chose to eat now. Side rant: Why, when most women are offered a tempting dessert, do they insist on trying to make other’s feel bad for them? “Ohmygawddd, it looks so good, but I’m on a diet. Like, ugh, I can’t even watch you eat it!” Get over it. All you have to say is “no, thank you”.

2.      Find an activity that works for you. I lift heavy shit on the reg and it’s become my passion. Dancing around like I’m an extra on Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights….not so much. But hey, to each their own.

3.      When you find an article of clothing that you like…don’t buy it two sizes smaller as motivation. It’s a waste of money. Why? Because when they don’t fit after a month you’re going to take a handful of chocolate to the face and fall off the wagon. Buy it in your current size. It is much more gratifying to feel them falling off than having to struggle to put them on every few weeks.

4.      Step 1: Watch this video: CLICK ME!! Step 2: Do the exact same thing to your scale. Even use the same music if you’re feeling a little gangster. Weight is a horrible indicator of weight loss…ironic huh? I don’t weight myself for the same reasons that I don’t have skinny clothes. When I don’t see the number I was hoping for, I want to punch things…and then eat carbs. Lots and lots of carbs. Drenched in cheese.

5.      As I’m writing this, I am eating a Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg. Why?  A. Easter candy is bomb ass; B. It was 50% off; C. Because I fucking wanted one. If you’re having a craving, go for it. The longer you hold off, the more chance you have of binging and then immediately crying about it. And what happens when you binge? “Fuck it, I already cheated…I’ll get back on track tomorrow” And this, my friends, is what I refer to as an epic fail.

6.      Stop making excuses. Accidentally brushed your teeth with your face wash? Your boyfriend didn’t notice your 2 inch haircut? You forgot your iPod at home and were forced to listen to your office mates talk about whether Kim Kardashian’s ass is real or not? I.Dont.Care. Get your ass to the gym.

7.      Find a buddy. Even if they can’t workout with you or have no intentions of losing weight, it is more helpful than you know. All you need is that one person who is going to look at you when you suggest going to Taco Bell…and then immediately slap you in the face. Side note: I have a mean right hook if anyone is interested…

8.      Just because the box is green and the words “healthy” are printed on it, doesn’t mean it’s actually healthy. Take a look at the back of the box. See those ingredients? Do you have any idea what half of them are? Can you even pronounce them? No? Put it back. If you don’t know what something is the rule of thumb is not to eat it; a lesson from our childhood when our mother’s would yell at us for eating lint and licking windows that should have stuck around a bit longer.

9.      Make realistic goals. NEWSFLASH: You’re not going to lose 20lbs in a month. The faster you realize this, the less chance you have of wanting to strangle yourself with those two-sizes-too-small skinny jeans you bought that still don’t fit. If you did manage to drop those 20lbs, chances are you didn’t do it correctly so don’t be shocked when half of it creeps back on after your “I deserve this!” meal at the Cheesecake Factory.

Does the fact that I only have 9 tips rather than 10 bother you? Are you OCD like that? Good. I enjoy your discomfort.

For realsies though, if you need a buddy/mentor/motivational ass kicker, contact me. I promise not to go too hard on you. Just kidding. I’m totally lying.