Stress.

It really sucks. Like really....sucks...

Work has been less than enjoyable lately. Normally it's 'ehh okay' and tolerable. But lately, it's been 'fuck.my.life.with.a.rusty.knife' kinda bad. Anytime my phone rings, waves of anxiety blast through me. Anyone who works in accounts payable in this economy knows what I'm talking about.

Stress does crazy things to me. It keeps me fat. Seriously, I've been on my fucking game for the past two weeks with eating and working out. I haven't lost a pound since Saturday. Today is Thursday, for those of you wondering. Fucking Thursday. I'm running in the morning, drinking green tea, eating lean meats, healthy fats, veggies, drinking my weight in water and working out again at night...and nothing.

Not to mention, I'm depressed as fuck. Fighting the urges to binge on chocolate have been harder than ever. All I want to do once I get home is retreat to my room and not talk to a single person.

Hope this is over soon. I don't know how much more I can take.

My poor roommate.

I don't know if you've read my previous post about me being a food hoarder. But, basically...if I buy food, it needs to be eaten. I don't care by who, as long as they dont end up in the trash.

This is where my roommate comes in.

Example A: My mom sent me a Valentine's Day care package filled with my favorite chocolates. I couldn't just throw them out (if my boyfriend was here he'd be grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me). It's good food! You can't let it go to waste!! So I gave my box of goodies to my roommate and asked him to either consume them, hide them from me, or throw them out while I wasn't looking.

Naturally, he ate them.

Example B: Half a box of Cosmic Brownies ended up coming home with me after a trip to VT with my cousin. I showed him where they were hidden knowing very well that he would eat them all on me. My plan worked. Rather quickly too.

But, don't feel too bad for him. He's always wanting to gain weight because he was that scrawny tall awkward kid most of his life. He's put on a good 30lbs living with me and he is pretty excited about it. So we work out well as a team!

I miss bread.

Bread and I have a very unhealthy relationship. All I do is show it immense and unconditional love and what do I get in return? The total opposite of love in the form of bloat and gas. Yet, I keep going back. Why do us ladies just have to hang on to those who treat us the worst?

Alright, that was a bit over dramatic but you get the idea. Bread makes me feel like poo but sometimes there's nothing better than a warmed dinner roll smothered with sweet cream butter, am I right?

This past weekend I met up with some old friends for lunch. I had promised myself to just get something small and healthy but once I stepped in the restaurant, I saw that they had Gluten Free rolls! Now, they probably weren't 100% paleo, but it was a start. I was so excited to be able to eat a sandwich. They are my favorite. Also, the pizza place we ordered from that night had Gluten Free pizza. I'm loving that this trend is catching on.

More exciting news: I purchased a paleo bread recipe book. There's recipes for dinner rolls, burger buns, pizza dough, cinnamon rolls...I seriously died and went to heaven. But then God was all like "No, its too soon! You must bless people with your baking!" so I came back down.

I've always wanted to open a bakery. And I believe we are in serious need of a place that serves paleo treats?

Side note: I need to get my allergy test done. I'm actually hoping I'm allergic to gluten so I can shove it in my boyfriends face. We're a fun couple.

Fight like a girl

I want to watch the UFC fight this weekened so.fucking.bad. Ronda Rosey is an awesome fighter...but she wins everything by the armbar! Can she win without it?! I need to know! Carmouche is definitely going to be ready for it so it'll be interesting to see if Ronda can still kick some ass.

Not to mention, this is the first official UFC fight with women...not only that, but they are HEADLINING!! That's HUGE!. I really really miss martial arts. Always contemplate getting back into it.

You probably have no idea what I was talking about, do you? Its okay...

Look Rosey up. She's a badass. So is Carmouche.

Workout yesterday was harder than it looked. Basically we had to do about 100 overhead squats. Nothing about the OHS is difficult for me...I have the flexibility, I have the strength, I have the balance. However, its my wrists that fuck it all up. OHS are so painful...almost to the point where I don't even believe it should be a legitimate move because of the pain it causes. And I know I'm not the only one with that problem. Hoping wrist bands will help.

Rainbow Gardens in Milford makes THE best sweet potato fries. And wraps. Creol mayonnaise, what? Amazing. Tastes even better when it's free.

Good morning

Today started out on a good note. I got in 3 miles this morning which felt good...once I was done, of course. I'm still not a huge fan of the whole running thing, but I am trying my best. Yesterday I banged out 4 miles. Today, my legs just felt like jello. I think I need to add some sweet potato to my dinner...

Breakfast was nice and peaceful. I didn't have to dance around my roommate in the kitchen like I usually do. I love having a quiet breakfast alone.

Then, on my drive to work...my amazing Ipod was like "hey pretty lady, let me get your day REALLY started" and next thing you know Usher was flowing through my speakers. "There goes my baby" has to be one of my favorite songs ever. I have never skipped it when it comes on. Not once.

Happy Hump Day

Failure.

Leave it to Biggest Loser to give me another well needed therapy session. When some of the contestants talk about what got them there, what holds them back, I just sit there in tears nodding my head "me too, me too."

Failure. That's the word that rings inside my head constantly. I feel like I haven't ever been a winner.

The workout yesterday...I was one of the first to finish, but I didn't use the RX weight. I can't be happy for the fact that I powered through the workout because I used 10lbs less than I was 'supposed to'. Why can't I be strong AND fast? Why does it always have to be one or the other...Is it weird that I am so hard on myself?

As Crossfit Opens roll around, all I can think about is the opportunity I wasted last year. I was asked by Jay himself to be a part of the Crossfit Milford Team. Did I think he had the wrong email when I opened it and read it? Absolutely. Did I think he was crazy? Absolutely. Did I 100% doubt my talent and ability to be a contributing member of the team? Absolutely. I think I made it through 2 weeks of extra training to prepare for the competition and faded away into the background. I failed. On purpose. Because I was too afraid to fail after putting in so much hard work. I am defeated before I even try.

Sitting in the bleachers watching them at regionals was heartbreaking. I could have been in there. I could have been great.

This mindset of mine needs to stop. How do I make it stop?


Workout yesterday:

5 rounds
12 DL
9 Hang Power Cleans
6 Shoulder to overhead

RX weight was 95 but I used 85. Finished 9:30ish

Death to challenges

I think I am going to give up on challenges for good. At least the paleo ones. No one lives life being 100% perfect and when I try to, everything all goes to shit. So I am done with them.

I was going to sign up for one that started yesterday. $45. I was all ready and set to go...but stopped myself. I sat here thinking about how miserable I am when I limit myself to such an extreme. And also...now with Coach Jay talking about eating carbs, it got me thinking. When I am 100% paleo, I get so worn out and tired by Wed/Thurs that I can barely even finish the workout. I think if I add in the carbs (sweet potato, rice, oats) that I will be able to workout that much harder.

We will see how it goes.

Built like an OX

I like being strong. No, I love being strong. I love throwing most women's 1 rep PR weight around like its my warm up. I love being able to hang with the boys.

However, I am like an Ox. I am strong as shit but ask me to run anywhere for longer than a 30 sec sprint and it's going to get ugly.

I want the best of both worlds. I want to be strong AND fast. I want to be a threat in ANY workout. I want people to look at me and admire me for my strength AND speed. How do I get there?

I know what I need to do. However, there is still a part in me that wants to seek help. I was considering going to Dr. Jaime...get some bloodwork done. Maybe get some tips on nutrition. Specifically how to drop weight without losing strength...

Hangin' with the boys

I love heavy lifting days. What I love even more is when I am lifting the same weight as all the guys that are surrounding me. 135# for 24 hang power cleans (12 sets of 2). It was the most fun I've had in a long time. I had put 35 and 10 plates on my bar thinking I'd probably need to drop weight. However, once I saw the guys around me pulling the same load, I made sure I stuck with it. I really do enjoy working out in the boys corner.

Ask me to out run them? And I'll tell you to go fuck yourself...

Side note: Biggest Loser needs to be on repeat all week. It gets me so pumped to go workout. I need to find all the past seasons and keep myself motivated.

Cabin Fever

Day 2 of being stuck inside our house. Our street still has yet to be plowed and I don't think it will be until tomorrow. We live on a dead end so we are a low priority. How fun.

I did well with eating yesterday but I really wasn't expecting to be stuck in here past dinner time last night so I ran out of food. We made the 1.5 mile walk to Wendy and I got myself a chicken sandwich and fries. Don't judge me. Walking in 3ft of snow is no fucking joke. I deserved that damn sandwich. Tonight we might be venturing out to Taco Bell. Or Subway. Luckily we are close to civilization.

Work is cancelled tomorrow. So excited. I really didn't think I would get the day off. Looking forward to a day where I can truly relax since all the shoveling is done.

Snow day

Well, I went into work today at 6:30am. Heading home now at 8:30 since the roads are getting bad.

A little nervous. When I am stuck home all day, I have the tendancy to be lazy and fat.

Luckily I went grocery shopping last night while I was still on my high from working out so I didn't get any junk food. I got apples, strawberries, hummus, sweet potato chips, bacon (a necessity in ANY situation) and stuff to make taco salads for dinner. No sour cream, no cheese sauce...whole wheat tortillas instead of flour.

I'm actually hoping that I can get a crossfit workout in. Power clean day? How can I resist??

Wish me luck.

Food addict

Honestly, my brain cannot comprehend how someone can sit next to a box of munchkins and not obsess about eating one until they give in.

That's how my brain works. It tourments me. "Just have one...one won't kill you...just eat it...someone else is going to eat them all..." My brain is such a dick.

That's one of the big reasons why weight loss is so hard for me. I obsess about food. Constantly.

If there is food anywhere near me, it is all I think about until I force myself to keep my brain busy or I eventually give in to shut myself up.

Am I alone in this? I hope not. I feel like a freak.

FebRuary 5th

Can someone explain to me why there is an extra R in February? Or why people pronounce it Febuary instead? People are weird.

Workout yesterday:
Close-Grip bench 10 min to reach a max: I failed at 125#. Bench isnt my favorite
Pull up work on the gravitron machine

10 min AMRAP of
10 ring rows
10 KB swings (35#)

It's always fun to workout by all of the guys and see that you are both swinging the same weight. Makes me feel pretty good. Makes me want to work even harder so they'll be upset that a girl is showing them up using the same weight.

Side rant: I hate when there are different expectations for guys and gals. Granted, difference in weight is fine because I have no problem admitting that men are physically stronger than women. But why do I get to only row for 10 calories while they go for 20?

You know it's bad when...

...your boyfriend forces you to throw out half a box of leftover Junior Mints because he knows how big of a food hoarder you are. He actually forced my hand to grab the box and walked me to the garbage because he knows that if it is in the house, I will eat it. That's love.

He even went back to the garbage and actually opened the box, dumped the mints into the trash and shook it to make sure they would all fall to the bottom so I wouldn't go in and try to steal the box back while he wasn't looking. That's sad on my part. Very sad. I just can't throw out uneaten edible food. Even if it's horrible for me.

I tried making up every excuse in the book not to workout tonight but, alas, I made the mistake of following a bunch of fitness people on instagram. I was going to stay home, grab some pizza and ice cream and have one last night of fatness. Then I saw this picture...

...and I was all like 'fuck you...you're right'

Heading to the 630 class. Hopefully the girl that lifts more than me is there. She always pushes me and I love it. I should hire her to just workout with me every night. Or, I don't know, make conversation and become friends? 

My friend making skills could use some work...

Here's to hoping...

...that I will be successful this month.

January was a fucking waste.