Fuck this.

Those were the exact words in my head as I stood, looking around at everyone else crushing last nights workout.

35 thrusters @ 95#
60 burpees

At the 8 minute mark, everyone was already well into their 60 burpees and I was still at 28 reps on the thrusters. It was heartbreaking to be that far behind. Once I got to the burpees, all I wanted to do was stop and walk away. Coach Gina was beside me the whole way, cheering me on. It was a blessing in disguise because I normally would just half-ass it and finish when I wanted rather than when I was 'done'. I had lost count and was on my knees trying to control my tears when she yelled for me to do at least 10 more and counted them out for me. After her high-five, I sat over on a box, kicking at it, trying not to cry.

I should have been proud. There were guys doing to same weight as I was and only one other girl RXing it, who finished almost as far behind everyone else as I did. However, all I could focus on was the fact that I was last. Dead last. People already cleaned up and stretching last.

I guess I'm just tired of this body. I'm tired of always coming in last or close to it. Tired of getting winded well before anyone else. I've been crossfitting for over 2 years. Yes, it will always be tough--that's the point. But it doesn't feel like it has gotten any easier either.

But I need to stop focusing on the negative and be proud for actually going. Like I said on my facebook, it's not when you finish, it's how you finish. And at least I went, worked out, and finished. Had it been a few weeks ago, I would have skipped the workout all together.

It's a new day, filled with nothing but positive thoughts and even stronger motivation. I never want to feel what I felt yesterday ever again. Food is on point, workouts are consistant, results will be on their way shortly--I'm sure of it.

How do you know?

I've been doing alot of nutrition research lately and honestly, my head is spinning from it. Scienitific studies say one thing one day, and then the next day it's saying something else. Low fat is good, now high fat is better. Carbs were the enemy yesterday, but now they are our best friend.

How do you know which scientific finding to stick with?!

Lately, I have been reading up on Carb Back Loading. In a nutshell, its saying to keep carbs low/non existant throughout the day, then hoard on them after your PM workout. They use a lot of big words that I cant recall at the moment as to why this is beneficial, but it kind of makes sense.

I used to be strict paleo. You couldn't even get me to touch a grain of rice. I lost alot of weight and felt really healthy. However, by Wed/Thurs, my workouts were shit. I was spent after just the warm ups. I thought this was normal and that it was okay but come to find out, I was doing more harm to my body than good. And, my weight never stayed off while I was doing paleo. I would eventually have a huge binge fest because my cravings were unbearable.

So this coming week (since I grocery shop on Sundays, testing this week didn't happen) I am going to add more carbs into my dinners. Plus, I'm going to add sweet potato puree to my protein shakes right after my workouts.

We will see how my workouts do after these changes. I'm very curious.

Also, will be staying away from the scale because I know these changes are going to fuck with my numbers and if I don't see progress I usually cut calories like crazy. Bad bad Maurer.

Spring has sprung...

...and so have I. (man, if I had a penis that would make for a really awkward opening)

I don’t live. I just exist.

If someone were to ask what I do, I could give you a play by play of how my life goes every.single.day.

Wake up, shower, go to work, be miserable at work, complain about work on twitter, complain about work to my boyfriend, go home, watch Barefoot Contessa, go to the gym, come home, shower again, eat, watch more tv and then try to shut my mind off long enough to get some sleep.

I literally do this exact routine every single day. On weekends, I mope around the house using ‘destressing’ as an excuse to be lazy.

I sit here on my ass, day after day, wondering why I’m always so miserable.

 “Work is stressful”—but, is it really? I have to deal with calls all day but nothing affects MY life. Once I leave, no one is calling me at home for money and no one is bothering me for reports. My boyfriend raised a good question to me once “why do allow yourself to take your work home with you?” and it was a damn good question. I had no answer to justify why I let work drag me down and affect my life the way I’ve let it for so long.

“I’m broke”—but, am I really? I live on my own, pay all of my bills with no problem, and am able to put food in my belly. I’ve even been able to put money away each week instead of spending it on stupid things so that I can have a few GREAT things in my life soon.

“I hate the way I look”—but, do I really?...well, yes, yes I do. However, I am starting to appreciate myself more and more. I have a beautiful face, I am strong, I’m tall and curvy, and pretty soon I WILL be able to say that I love my body.

So what’s my problem? I guess I just let my negative thoughts get the best of me. I let my mind believe my day is going to be hell before I even experience it.

Today is the first day of spring, and it also sparks the first day of a new me. No more negative thoughts. No more allowing myself to be depressed about things I cannot change. No more being lazy and WASTING precious time. I want to do things. I want to laugh every day. I want to live. Because life is too fucking short.

 

 

Positive thinking.

I need a personaltiy makeover. (and probably a physical one as well according to just about everyone I know--sorry, but my love for sweatpants will never cease!)

Back to the main topic. Positive thinking. I should really give it a try one day. And by one day I mean, like, every day.

As soon as I wake up in the morning, I am defeated by my brain of negative energy and thoughts.

Work is going to suck.

I'm too fat to fit in that outfit today.

Ugh, my roommate will be in the kitchen the same time that I am, I just want to eat in peace.

Today's workout is going to make me feel really shitty about myself.

And then there is my negative thinking about people around me.

God, she is so fucking lazy and talks like a goddamn idiot.

Oh you lost 5lbs this week? Sorry honey, it's just water weight.

Your nails look stupid.

She got engaged? I give it 2 years.

How do I just stop? How do I wake up feeling ready to tackle the day? How do I get excited to wake up in the morning rather than be excited just to go to bed and sleep away the world at night? How do I just let people live their lives without thinking of some way to put them down even if its just in my own head?

My boyfriend always asks 'why do you care?' when I talk shit about how my sister is living her life. Or, 'why do you let work get to you so much?' when I tell him how depressed I am about how shitty work has been.

I don't have an answer. There shouldn't be an answer. The questions shouldn't even be asked. I should just be living life to the fullest...enjoying each moment, being happy for other peopls happiness. I just don't know how. 

Planks

I hate them. I hate everything about them. You can call them Front Lean Raises all you want, but I know that it is just a plank on roids.

Last night we had to do plank walk outs. Not a fan.

Everytime we have to do something involving a plank, I literally just get pissed off. I try to do it for the first minute or so, then I just lose it. I swear under my breath, talk to myself about how fucking stupid they are, and then I eventually stand up in frustration and walk away from them.

Why do I hate them so much? I'm not totally sure. There are plenty of moves that I am not good at or dont care for, yet they don't get me as worked up as planks do.

Maybe I'm just weird.

Dentists are evil

So, I have gone 26 years of only needing cleanings at the dentist. I've never had a cavity, braces, or any other dental work. Until yesterday.

I had my first cavity this year. Yesterday I had to get it drilled. Man, I was terrified. I was shaking in that chair, wondering how much it was going to hurt. Let me tell you though, novacane is a fantastic thing. I didn't feel anything! Until it wore off.....

I feel like I've been punched in the face, like ten times.

But, even with a half numb face, I still went to the gym. I figured last night's workout of all squats wouldn't be too dangerous. Last thing I need is to bite the shit out of my mouth. So if there were DU's and burpees, my ass would have stayed home.

What the hell

So I love power cleans. They make any shitty day turn into an awesome one. I've been doing the move for almost 3 years now. All of a sudden Jay comes up to me last night and fucks all my shit up. My grip has been wrong and I haven't been getting low enough under the bar. So last night I was all out of whack trying to get my form right. I ain't mad though. I'd rather do it the right way than look like an idiot. My ego just took another blow, is all. Two days in a row.

Going to the dentist today to get my first cavity filled. I.am.terrified. Is it going to hurt? Will my face be too numb to workout afterwards? Will I drool all over myself like a fool? We shall see.

I'm feeling exhausted. It's only Tuesday and I feel like I should have an IV pumping me with caffeine all day.

There's just no way around it...

You just cannot make a healthy and satisfying pizza without real dough and toppings.

I tried out my first recipe from my Paleo Bread book...pizza dough. I was so excited. I LOVE pizza and not being able to eat it whenever I want is really sad. So I gave it a try.

Epic fail.

It tasted like I was eating cheese and sauce on top of a giant dry and grainy almond.

Kudos to my boyfriend who put on a happy face and ate more of his than I did mine. Once he saw me just start to pull off the cheese and bacon to eat it by itself, he finally admitted that it wasn't the greatest tasting. So we hit up Wendy's instead. I got a chili and some chicken nuggets. And we ended up getting free fries. I gave them to my roommate....poor kid.....(see recent post)

I took the cooking failure hard. I have only made one horrible tasting dish before (buffalo chicken meatloaf...dry.as.fuck.) so it didn't feel nice. A big blow to the ego is never fun. It broke my heart throwing out all that uneaten pizza dough since I am a self procclaimed food hoarder (and because almond flour is expensive as shit). I wanted to throw it outside for the animals but my boyfriend insisted that even they wouldn't eat it. He's such a sweetheart sometimes.