Fuck this.

Those were the exact words in my head as I stood, looking around at everyone else crushing last nights workout.

35 thrusters @ 95#
60 burpees

At the 8 minute mark, everyone was already well into their 60 burpees and I was still at 28 reps on the thrusters. It was heartbreaking to be that far behind. Once I got to the burpees, all I wanted to do was stop and walk away. Coach Gina was beside me the whole way, cheering me on. It was a blessing in disguise because I normally would just half-ass it and finish when I wanted rather than when I was 'done'. I had lost count and was on my knees trying to control my tears when she yelled for me to do at least 10 more and counted them out for me. After her high-five, I sat over on a box, kicking at it, trying not to cry.

I should have been proud. There were guys doing to same weight as I was and only one other girl RXing it, who finished almost as far behind everyone else as I did. However, all I could focus on was the fact that I was last. Dead last. People already cleaned up and stretching last.

I guess I'm just tired of this body. I'm tired of always coming in last or close to it. Tired of getting winded well before anyone else. I've been crossfitting for over 2 years. Yes, it will always be tough--that's the point. But it doesn't feel like it has gotten any easier either.

But I need to stop focusing on the negative and be proud for actually going. Like I said on my facebook, it's not when you finish, it's how you finish. And at least I went, worked out, and finished. Had it been a few weeks ago, I would have skipped the workout all together.

It's a new day, filled with nothing but positive thoughts and even stronger motivation. I never want to feel what I felt yesterday ever again. Food is on point, workouts are consistant, results will be on their way shortly--I'm sure of it.