I wasn't expecting that...

Sunday, I made the trip into New York City to meet with Dr. Jaime Schehr. She is the nutritionist that works with our Crossfit gym.  I figured Jay only associates himself and his business with the best, so why not give her a shot.

I went in expecting to only be consulted on my nutrition. I thought she would go over my meal plan, make a few tweaks and then send me on my way.

I was not prepared for what really happened.

She broke me down. I was sitting in her office crying for over an hour.

Once she was finished going over my medical and food habit history, she took a turn and went straight for my sweet spot: my self worth—or lack thereof.

The entire time we were talking, she took note on more than just my nutrition. She took note on how I talked about my life, how I felt about my job and my passions. Then she came right out and said it.

“You don’t think you deserve it”

“You take care of everyone else but never stop to take care of yourself. You won’t let anyone else take care of you either”.

“I bet you don’t let anyone see you cry”

“You don’t think you’re good enough, strong enough, pretty enough”

“I bet you’ve never told anyone how you truly felt about them or their actions”

She was right on all counts. She says that my weight issues aren’t only because of what I eat. It’s because I feel like I don’t deserve to have my dream body. That is exactly how I feel.

So, what’s next? I’m getting a meal plan along with some tasks to work on each week. She is making me try new foods (I have a palate and food stubbornness of a 10 yr old), making me find my passions and hopefully so much more. I am beyond excited.

Carbs

So, I'm not sure what I wrote about in my last post but since it was from the beginning of June, I'm sure it didn't involve my new meal plan. And if it did, sue me.

I have been following this trainer on Instagram for a while and she seems to know her shit. So I saw that she sells meal plans for $30. It's cheap enough for me to give it a go without feeling ripped off if it didn't work out.

So I paid the money and got my plan and my eyes popped out of my head. For the first week she wants me eating 210g of protein, 252g of carbs and 52g of fat. As the weeks progress, the carbs drop in half and the protein dips down a bit as well.

252g of carbs?! I'm used to eating maybe 50g of carbs on a good day. So it has been a struggle for me to allow myself to pump it up x5.

Shockingly, I am still hungry all day and when I go to bed. However, my energy for the gym has improved dramatically. I feel like I could do 2 hour sessions instead of just 1. I even went running yesterday on my 'off' day.

So, so far so good.

On Sunday I am going to see a real nutritionist--you know, someone with a PhD who studied this stuff for most of her adult life. I need to know what foods I should eat. Obviously veggies, meats, etc but I'm curious to know if I have any allergies, if my body reacts better to some foods, and all that funs shit. I'm excited to get on a good path and get this fat off my body once and for all.

My boyfriend is constantly saying 'I just don't get how people cant just...eat.' He hates the trends, hate the phrases and the programs. But, some of us need different things. Some of us need to be given exact examples and exact measurements so that we don't stray too far off the path. Some of us work better under someone's watchful eye. Some of us need a little extra help cause doing it on our own isn't exactly working out. He gets so annoyed with me so I try not to talk about it much with him. That's what a blog is for anyway, right??

Oh, hey June.

Where the hell has the time been going? I feel like this year is flying by...a little faster than I'd like too.

Weightlifting club has been AMAZING. I've been able to open up, be myself and make some serious gains. This is our last week :-( but I was happy to find out that Coach Ryan will be programming for us so it's not technically over. Over these past few weeks, I've come to realize how much I really love Olympic lifting.

Bye bye performance workouts. You will not be missed...

Also, we are starting a CFM Weightlifting team and will eventually be competing?? What? D'okay. I'm no where near where I need to be in terms of strength....or physical looks (singlets aren't flattering even on the greatest looking bodies) but I am ready to get to that point.


Next topic: Weight loss contests. I'm fucking done with them. All they do is stress me out and make me depressed. And you know what I do when I get stressed and depressed? Fucking eat. So I am done doing them.

I entered a diet bet where you pay $25 to the main pot and all the people who lose 4% of their body weight get to split the pot. Right now, the pot is at $19,600. And I'm pretty positive that I will be out the $25. I was doing FANTASTIC before the bet started. Its been a shit show ever since. I have issues.

ADIDAS

All. Day. I. Dream. About. Snatches.

That could come off as pretty perverted, depending on your level of maturity. Mine is at about a 3 out of 10 so it made me chuckle.

But anyway...

Last night we had a max weight night of snatches. I PR'd...not by much...but I'll take it. I still need some work on my form. I have an issue with not opening up my hips all the way. I think if I got that part down, I would be unstoppable. I get way too anxious about dropping under the bar and getting to that squat that I just bypass that whole important step of hip extension.

You can see how my form differs a bit from the others.

Tonight I am assuming...and hoping...that we will be getting a break from snatches. I do miss my clean and jerks.

Also have to point out how much I love my weightlifting crew. We have been having so much fun together. Dancing to old classics, making fun of other coaches and so on. I am going to be unbelievably sad when these 6 weeks are up.

I dont care, I love it.

That song is super annoying but the chorus works just perfectly for this post.

So this weekend was full of moments that really opened my eyes to what I want for my life.

It all started with one little comment from a friend on Friday night. I was at my buddy Pete’s grad party and bent over to grab the hula-hoop (yeah, we’re fucking cool kids) and complained about my back hurting. At that point, my friend asked me if it was from ‘doing those lifts that aren’t real lifts’. The comment bugged me for the rest of the night. I was offended but eventually let it go. And by eventually, I mean as of just today.

This leads me to the growing skepticism of Crossfit as a whole-- So many people are quick to judge this sport. It’s ‘cool’ to hate on Crossfit now that so many people are into it. Someone sees one video of some dude about to rip his back apart or blow out his knee and suddenly we're all lumped into the same "we act better than everyone even though we don't know what the fuck we're doing" category together. I get shit for it, my friends get shit for it, and random bloggers I follow get shit for it. Yes, the lingo is totally ridiculous. Yes, we have gyms full of douche bags who totally throw form to the side in the name of a PR. Yes, we have obnoxious fashion trends. But so does every other gym in the entire world.

There is no such thing as a perfect workout or a perfect gym or a perfect sport. But I finally found something that I love and something that I have stuck with for almost 3 solid years. I’m really starting to get fed up with having to defend it all the time. But you know what? You do you, booboo. And I’ll do me. 

Today I am no longer concerned about what others think about it. If I get shit for it again, I’m just going to let it roll off my back. I know that I have great form. I know that I get my ass handed to me in workouts and love every second of it. I know that my gym is full of incredibly knowledgeable trainers. I know that I am in the best shape of my life. And that is all I need.

I want to be on that Crossfit Games podium. After being at the regionals yesterday, I want it even more. I am sure as hell not going to let anyone or any negative comments stop me either.

*drops the mic* #hatersgonnahate

Recap

So. Updates on weightlifting club:
Last Thursday was a great day. We pulled snatches off the block and I added about 35lbs to my PR so I was stoked. I was surprised at how easy it was for me. This whole time I was terrified of going to heavy with snatches because of my wicked loose shoulders. They pop out of socket pretty easily and its not a fun feeling when it happens.

Update from the weekend:
Went up to my parents' house in New Hampshire! It was so relaxing. AND I bought myself a motorcycle...super fucking excited. Just waiting to hear back about the inspection and if all is well then it is all mine :-)

Didn't eat as horribly as I normally do when I'm up there. I got a salad instead of a giant pizza or pasta dish when we went out to dinner. Didn't buy many snacks to munch on all day. Plus, my mom and I bought ben and jerrys to share and it wasn't even gone by the time I left. And me actually leaving knowing there was still some left was a huge accomplishment. Usually I binge the day I leave to finish all the yummy snacks. Even left some chips behind!


Yesterdays lifting sesh was a bit off. We did full snatches from the ground and I wasn't feeling as strong as I did on Thursday. I got up to 105 and my shoulder was feeling a bit tweaked.

Hardest part of the workout? The warm up. He made us jump over benches. This girl was not made to be in the air. It was sad how long it took to convince myself to do it. So sad.

Weighlifting club

I've been patiently waiting for weightlifting club to start ever since Jay posted a picture about it months ago. MONTHS! Okay, maybe not that long ago...but it sure felt like it.

There are only 4 of us. 10 people signed up. And only 4 of us showed up. People's commitments are kind of sad. (I really have no right to talk...I give up on shit pretty easily)

Speaking of giving up on things-- that whole 5k every weekend is out the window. Why? Two reasons. A) It was getting expensive. $20-$35 a race doesn't sound too horrible, but doing it every week was starting to get to me. I could be saving that money for other things. Like gas. Groceries. A motorcycle. B). Now that weightlifting club has started, Coach Ryan has suggested we stray away from long distances and stick to short but fast interval work. We need to be saving our legs for the lifts.

Crossfit Endurance workouts it is! Just like I had planned. I'm so ahead of the times.

My thumbs are killing me. These new callouses are not fun. By the end of the 6 weeks, I wont be surprised if I fall asleep with my fingers in the hook grip.

Husky

Conversation with my grandparents this weekend:

Grandpa: "You remind me of this girl that plays for the UConn Huskies"
Grandma: "No, Van. Those women are 6'3-6'4". She's not that tall!"
Grandpa: "No, I'm talking about the heavy set one that plays center!"

Thanks Pops..thanks.

Had a total fail of a weekend. 

It all started on Friday. The Super Duper Weenie truck came to my work and provided us with lunch. I had a hot dog covered in chili, onions and cheese. Plus a bacon cheeseburger. Plus a side of fries. Then dinner, my boyfriend and I went to Pepe's in New Haven. Bacon pizza.

Saturday was just as bad. Had leftover pizza for brunch, a fruit salad and then for dinner I went to On The Border. I probably went through an entire bowl of chips and salsa on my own. Throw in a margarita and a giant taco salad...and, well, my stomach was about ready to walk out of my body and flip me off.

Sunday started out with breakfast at Whole Foods, a salad for lunch and chipotle for dinner. My roommate also bought a fancy margarita maker so I had three of those.

Happy Cinco de Fatty. 

I am so ashamed and mad at myself. I need to be back to strict paleo (plus sweet potato and some rice--cant lift heavy and consistently without it). If I let myself to have 'just a piece' then it just blows out of control. It's all or nothing for me, unfortunately.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Auto-Pilot

So, yeah. That was last night's workout.

It took me all day to talk myself into going last night. I finally settled on going with the possibility of doing the Fitness workout instead (no running involved but still a great looking workout). Throughout the whole warm up, I couldn't decide if I should suck it up and do the workout or be a wimp and find an excuse to take the easy way out.

Well, I sucked it up. I told myself that it would be over before I knew it. That all I wanted to get was at least 3 rounds (Coach Migs said to aim for 5 rounds, but in my head I didn't think it was possible for me)

I came back from my 5th round of 400m before the clock ran out...after thinking I was barely going to be able to do 3. I need more confidence in myself. I don't give myself enough credit.

The whole time, I was on auto-pilot. I don't remember thinking about anything. I just remember being out there running and then being finished.

Coach Migs came up to me afterwards and gave a me a solid fish bump; something that has become quite the routine when he coaches the class I take. We talked about how much we both don't like running and he said to me "people like us aren't made to run, we're made to lift some heavy shit!". I say this about myself all the time, so it was nice not to feel so alone about it.

Although, I have to say...I'm hoping that with the Crossfit Endurance training I will be doing, that one day I will be a lot better at running.

Feel the pain

So, lasts night workout was another eye opening one for me.

15.12.9.6.3 reps of
Front Squats
Burpees

The RX weight was 100lbs for women but I went with 85. I was honestly embarrassed about not RXing it. I felt like a complete failure for not at least TRYING 100lbs (or at least 95).

As a 5'10" power house female, I feel like I am expected to RX every workout. Sometimes I just want to get through a workout without fucking killing myself. I shouldn't feel guilty about that right? Or is that the purpose of these workouts?

But then on the other hand, sometimes I just don't want to feel the pain. My body is most likely able to handle certain weights and workouts, but there is just something inside of me that doesn't want to give it a try. Perhaps I am afraid of failing or falling behind everyone else.

During one workout that Jay monitored me very closely for, he said to me "don't be afraid to breathe heavy". I feel like all I do is breathe heavy. It's a constant reminder of how out of shape I feel. Maybe I just don't want to be constantly reminded of that fact.



...........Or maybe I just really fucking hate front squats.

Weekend recap

Warning: Pretty boring post...I apologize in advance. Kinda. Not really.

What a beautiful weekend that was! If only it were like that every day...for the rest of my life. I swear I belong in California. I really need to take a trip out there.

I did not do a 5k this weekend. I didn't have the funds to spend $25 on it this week. Nevertheless, I did a nice 4.25 miles run/walk on Saturday to make up for it. It was so nice outside, I just couldn't help myself.

I spent the rest of the day cleaning my car and laying outside on my hammock, getting in as much Vitamin D that I could.

Saturday night was girls night. I had a few friends from college come over for some drinks and catching up. I probably ate my weight in cheese that night. Brie and jalapeno cheddar. I don't regret a single bite. I might even love cheese more than I love chocolate.

Sunday was a lazy day. Spent most of the day on the hammock...can you tell I'm slightly obsessed with it?

Sunday was also meal prep day. Chicken, veggies, oats...the works.

Changing up my food a bit this week. I have recently become addicted to Chobani's Flip yogurts. Coconut yogurt with almonds and dark chocolate...chocolate chip yogurt with raspberry puree...de-fuckin-licious. But, I'm trying to jump back on the clean eating train and get my shit together. So this week, my morning snack will be turkey slices and guacamole.

This week's breakdown--
Breakfast- eggs, bacon, half a grapefruit, green tea
Snack- turkey slices with guacamole
Lunch- chicken with steamed squash
Afternoon snack- oats with mashed bananas and cinnamon
Dinner- chili over sweet potato puree

What the fuck was that?

That's basically what my body was asking me yesterday after last nights workout.

It was one of those workouts where I pull into my driveway and just...sit there. For literally 5-10 minutes. Just sitting there. Letting my brain try to comprehend what my body just went through.

The worst part was the wall balls. I don't know what it is, but this movement always has and probably always will be my least favorite movement. Something about it is so daunting.

But I survived. It took me 29 minutes. Some people finished around 20. Man, I wish I could be that fast.

Anyways, after last nights workout...I am even MORE excited to be a part of the weightlifting club. I don't know what the workouts are going to entail, but I'm hoping it looks nothing like this.

While working out in the club, I will be adding on some miles to the new shoes I received yesterday. Hoping to drop weight and come back to regular performance workouts with a much better endurance. That's the plan anyway.

Like how I said 'much better endurance' as if I'm at even a decent level right now...*sigh*

We used to have a Crossfit Milford Endurance team...what happened to it?! I could really use that shit right now. Thinking of contacting the coach and seeing if she has any workouts stashed away in her computer or something...

Oh muh gawd, shoes.

I hate spending money. Like, really hate it. I'd rather have large amounts of cash collect dust in my savings account than spend it on something I probably really need.

I finally caved in yesterday and splurged on myself. I bought, not one, but TWO new pairs of sneakers *gasp*. Honestly, they were sitting in my Zappos cart for over a week. It took me THAT long to convince myself to hit the 'order' button. It's literally been a year since I bought new shoes. What's wrong with me? I swear I have a vagina...

I bought one pair of good running sneakers. I'm glad I waited because they finally went on sale! WOO! Saved a whopping 10%!! And then I bought a pair to Crossfit in. Not, not Reeboks. I didn't give into the Inov8's so I'm not giving into those either. I bought a modest $65 pair of Nike's. They sure are pretty too. The sneakers I have now are all black. God, I can be so boring...

Next, I plan on buying a running watch so I can keep track of my miles and pace. I feel like if I can see the numbers loaded into fancy charts, I will be even more motivated to get out there. The thing is so cool...the actual watch itself plugs into your laptop and loads up into Nike+'s running website. I can even compete with other people. Bring. It. On.

Feeling really motivated today! Like I found my spark again. Can't wait to get out of work and kill some workouts

I think I'm missing the point

So this whole taking a picture at every race thing is to see my weight loss progress. Well, its been 3 weeks and I don't think I've really done much....losing weight.

I really wanted April to be 'different' but it hasn't...so I'm feeling a little discouraged.

Last week was a fail. I worked out Sun, Mon and Tues but then my my knee got all fucked up so I took Wednesday off. Thursday I had my motorcycle class. Friday I had a going away party for my army friend. So, it went to shit real quick.

I just food prepped for the week and bought some more protein powder so that there is no excuse this week. My knee felt great during today's run so I am hoping it holds up cause I am going balls to the wall.

Poop.

Well, I feel like complete doo-doo today.

Yesterday afternoon, I could feel my head starting to get really tense. You know the feeling...like your head is about explode. For me, it only means one thing. My body is about to start fighting off something nasty.

Once I got home, I felt like I got hit by a bus, and I feel the same today. My throat is sore and scratchy--almost like I've been swallowing razor blades. My body is aching...even my hair hurts. Is that weird? Whatever.

But, I'm a stubborn German and still went to work. My mother raised us with the notion that you can only stay home from school if you were throwing up. This rule kind of stuck with me into adulthood. Besides, sick days should be saved for when it's really really nice out and you just don't want to go to work. Today is supposed to be cloudy so I decided to suck it up.

Another issue I'm having is with my knee. Apparently my body thinks I did too much too fast and it decided to stop me in my tracks. With a little help of my boyfriend and good 'old Google, it turns out that I have runners knee; or in my case, 'trying-to-be-a-runners knee'. Nothing like sharp shooting pain when you put any pressure on your knee! So I took a rest day yesterday and will be taking today off for my motorcycle class. I'm hoping to be somewhat better once the 5k this weekend rolls around. We shall see!

Here's to hoping my immune system is as strong as it usually is. And that my knee stops being a complete dick.

Lesson learned.

Last night I learned that I give up on myself way too easily.

If you are one of the two people who always read my posts, you will remember that workout I recently wrote about where I ended the night in tears. Thrusters and burpees.

Well, the workout made its way back. I really thought I was going to have more time to prepare for that beast again but I was mistaken. Last night’s workout was slightly different but still a beast.

-25 thrusters @ 85lbs (RX was 95 but I had pulled a muscle in my groin and squatting just wasn’t pleasant at all)

-40 no pushup burpee box jump

I did my workout outside for a few reasons—A. I’m stuck in an office for 8 hours a day so if it’s nice out, my ass is working out outside. B. The gym was wicked crowded. C. I didn’t want to feel rushed seeing everyone else finishing before me.

Well, Jay (head coach and owner of the gym) decided to stay for the class and found me outside. I was at 20 thrusters when he came out…and he didn’t leave my side once. He had me knock out the last 5 unbroken—I probably would have done 2 and then 3.

I was only allowed 3 breaths between 10 sets of box jumps. Normally, I would stop after about 5 reps, stand there panting like an idiot for a minute, then do another 5. I knocked out 40 of them without much stopping; something I would have never done had I been out there by myself.  

So on my run home, I reflected on the beating. Why do I give up so easily? If my body is physically able, and someone else is able to see that, why can’t I see it for myself?

I do it with more than just random workouts. I do it with my weight loss as well. I dropped 70lbs, gained back 20 of them…and haven’t been able to lose said 20lbs for the past year. I dropped 70lbs!! And I’m having trouble with 20! Where’s my drive? I used to be unstoppable.

I’ve got my eye on another 52lbs to get to a total loss of 100lbs. I need my spark back.

 

Another reflection I had when I was working out…I need new underwear. This granny panty shit just ain’t cute when it’s hanging out of the top of my pants or giving my giant wedgies. Then again, it’s never really cute is it….

Damn you Mrs. Carton

The past 2 races I've run in, I have seen my 5th grade teacher running it as well. She was even my father's 5th grade teacher, how crazy is that? She has to be in her 70's-80's by now, but she looks as young as she did back then. She is still kicking ass! I hope I am doing that well at that age.

The only ill feelings I have towards her is the fact that she won the raffle I was going after today...$100 to Walmart. What 70-something year old shops at Walmart?!

Anyways. Ran another race today. A 4 miler.

It was in New Haven. I went into it thinking it would be as flat as a pancake but failed to remember that the residential part of New Haven is all hills. This race kicked my ass! But it was fun.

Next race is on Sunday in New Britain. Bring it on.

Stereotypes.

So, I was in my motorcycle safety class last night and the instructor was talking about when people drop their bikes. He said he has a fool proof way to pick them back up that even us 'ladies' would be able to do.

Bro, do you even lift?

I almost wanted to smack him in the face for 2 reasons. 1). Because he deserves it and 2). so I could literally rub my hand callouses in his face.

I bet I could pick up a heavier bike than most of the guys in my class.

I hate stereotypes against women's strength. Yes, most men are stronger than women, it's a simple fact that I will not argue with. But times are a-changin'! Girls like me are out lifting guys all the time. Get used to it!

Even my gym kind of hates on women sometimes. Why do guys get to row for 30calories and we only have to get to 20? Why are there 'men' and 'women' sandbags? Why do all the girls flock to the sleds with only 45lbs on it? Fuck that, I get in line with the guys pulling 225lbs.

C'mon ladies! Don't be afraid to get stronger, we're all capable of incredible feats!

My favorite quote:

Lightning.

So last nights workout was pretty ridiculous

800m row
75 wall balls
400m row
50 thrusters
200m row
25 overhead squats

It wouldn't have been too bad if we weren't forced to listen to god awful dubstep music. Literally, each song was 10 minutes long....with the same exact beat and no singing. I felt like I was at a rave from hell. Once I got to the overhead squat, I had to ask them to change it. I just couldn't take it anymore. But anyways...

Afterwards, I had to run home. I probably should have checked the weather to see that it was supposed to storm the rest of the night...

I have to say, though, that it was the most enjoyable run I have had in a very long time. The rain was so warm and refreshing after that workout. The lightning was BAD but it just made me run faster. It was pretty fucking exhilarating. It put a new spark into my soul. I can't wait to hit that pavement again.

I've decided that I want to do some sort of organized race each weekend. It will keep me motivated and I will get tons of free shirts. I fucking love workout shirts. And razors....those always seem to be in our goodie bags.

I've also decided that I want to take the race pictures (or take one of myself if there are no photographers) and use them as progress pictures. I took a picture from that traumatizing race last weekend which I will use as my first/before picture.

 

 

Julia's Run for Children is on Sunday! Stay tuned. 

Big baby.

So, yesterday, Chris asked me if I wanted to do a 3.5 mile race today. Normally, it would take a lot of convincing to say yes, but I agreed. I knew I didn't workout yesterday and am trying to make sure I get some sort of activity in 6 days a week.

So we're running and running, and I'm feeling pretty shitty. I have a calf cramp on one leg and a shin splint in the other. I can feel my heart fluttering in my chest and I'm breathing like the world is about to run out of oxygen. Chris and I were running together and I always feel bad running with him because I hold him back. I told him a few times to run ahead but he didn't. So I started to get upset...

First water stop--I felt like I was in last place and that the guys were just standing there just kind of waiting for us slow folk to finally get to them. Mile 2...Chris finally ran ahead to catch up with his sister and I was left alone. Like, really alone. It was a smaller race so there weren't too many people around me.

Once I was getting closer to the finish, the workers were starting to clean up all the cones before I even got to them. Even some of the cops were getting on their bikes, leaving their posts and heading back to the finish. I was heartbroken. I felt like I was holding up the whole event, that I was taking longer than they had expected, that I was the last one (which I wasn't...there were some people further behind me). We all know how I feel about finishing last. My fitness self esteem is very fragile so once I got to that finish line, I fucking broke down. I didn't even give the timer guy my ticket...I just walked off and started crying. Not just some tears, like genuinely crying.

I finally calmed down, got my free carbohydrates and shook it off. At least I did it. I could have stayed home and been lazy so I have to at least be proud of that.

Now I'm sitting here, looking up more 5k's to run. I never want to feel that way again and I won't. Maybe one day I'll be able to keep up with my boyfriend...and maybe even beat him...