Winter blues

Dear winter,

While your snow is fun to watch as it floats effortlessly down towards the earth...you are possibly the most annoying season ever. I will give you a few reasons as to why:

1. Static. Nothing is more annoying than blow drying your hair to perfection and have it cling to fucking everything two minutes later. Why yes, 'electroshock chic' is precisely the look I was going for today.

2. Clothing. Now, being a fatty who loves to hide in baggy clothing...I've finally come to realize that it's not a good work look. Warm-work appropriate clothing is expensive. And itchy. And dull. I want my colorful summer clothes back.

3. Ice. I want to be able to walk out to my car, full force; like a lion going after its prey--no hesitation. I don't like waddling with my hands out to the side for balance, praying that I wont slip and fall.

4. Depression. There's nothing like seeing dead trees with a dreary grey backdrop that makes me want to live life to the fullest. It makes me want to go home, cry to myself, and stuff myself with chocolate covered caramel popcorn. And watch lots and lots of trashy Bravo reality TV. Dem housewives be cray...

Here's the hoping spring comes quick. I dont know how much longer I can take.

Meat-Crust Quiche

Meat crust...sounds appealling doesn't it? If you know me, then you know that I am not kidding. All foods should come with a meat crust. #truth

Anywho. Here is another one from PaleOMG.com. I love that woman. In a complete foodie kind of way.

Ingredients:

1lb of sausage (I used sweet italian sausage--without the casing)
1 small sweet potato
1/2 yellow onion
2 cups of fresh spinach
5 eggs, whisked
1 garlic clove
1 tsp garlic powder
1/8 tsp ground paprika (just realized that I read this wrong and used 1/2 tsp...came out just fine)
salt & pepper
2 tablespoon of fat (I used bacon fat)

Take your meat and spread it out into your pie pan. Make sure to push it up along the edges just like you would a regular crust. 

Pop it in the 375 preheated oven for about 10 minutes to let it cook a bit. Doesn't have to cook all the way.

While its cooking, get your frying pan ready. Put in your fat of choice and add in your onions, garlic and sweet potato. I chopped up my sweet potato to small cubes so that they would cook faster. 

Cook down until your onions are translucent and your potatoes are tender. Now add in your spinach and let them cook down. It may seem like a lot but they will wilt down to nothing. 

Take the pan off the heat and let the mixture cool. Take your meat crust out of the oven.

In a large bowl, whisk together your eggs, garlic powder, paprika, salt and pepper. Add in your vegetable mixture and mix together.

Pour over the meat crust. It may go over the crust...that's fine. 

Throw it back in the oven and let it cook! Mine was in there for about 25 minutes but keep an eye on it. If you touch the egg mixture and it bounces back, it is good to go!

Probably one of the best breakfasts I've ever had. And I've made some seriously unhealthy and absurdly delicious breakfasts before. 

Crockpot Ropa Vieja with Cuban Style 'Rice'

I'm all about trying new recipes these days. Sticking to being healthy is a whole hell of a lot easier when you aren't eating the same shit everyday...trust me.

Ropa Vieja...I have no idea what this means, but who fucking cares.

• 1.5-2lbs chuck roast
• 1 yellow onion, thinly sliced
• 1 red bell pepper, thinly sliced
• 1 yellow bell pepper, thinly sliced
• 1 (6 oz) can tomato sauce
• 1 (14 oz) can diced tomatoes
• 1 tablespoon cumin
• 1 tablespoon dried thyme
• 1 tablespoon dried oregano
• 4 garlic cloves, peeled
• 1 bay leaf
• salt and pepper, to taste
• 
  

Add your peppers and onions into the crockpot. I used frozen peppers because A. I'm cheap and B. It's one less thing I have to chop with my crappy knives. 


Plop your meat on top. 


Cut deep slices into the meat and push your garlic cloves into the slits. 

Add the rest of the ingredients and crank up that crockpot. Cook it for 6-8 hours on low or 5-7 hours on high.

Now sit back and relax. 

OR!!!!

Make some Cuban style goodness. 

• 1 head of cauliflower, stem removed and roughly chopped
• 3 thick sliced of bacon, diced
• 1 (4 oz) can tomato sauce
• 2 teaspoons cumin
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1 teaspoon onion powder
• salt and pepper, to taste

First, take your bacon and add it to a pot and cook it down. I figured 3 slices was a typo.....so I used 5. Don't judge me. Or go ahead and judge me, I'll be over here enjoying my extra slices of heaven while not caring. 

While the bacon is cooking away, work on getting your cauliflower all 'ricified'. Yeah I just made that up...

Add you cauliflower and all the spices and tomato sauce to the pot that the bacon is cooking in. Mix thoroughly, lower the heat, cover and let cook for 12-15 minutes. 

Once the meat is all cooked, take some forks and shred that bitch. 

Serve like so...

Trust me, I'm a professional...

So, some of you may or may not know, but I've lost about 70lbs in the past two years. I am constantly being asked how I did it; if I have any tips; like omg you don’t eat carbs?! So I figured I’d sit down and come up with the most useful tips to share with the world. Just kidding. My blog will only reach about 50 people, but who’s counting?

Before I give you the tips to live by, I am going to say one thing. Well, a few probably. Sue me.

I can tell you ‘til I’m blue in the face what changes you can make to your workout and diet routine but unless you are 100% willing to put in the effort, it is NOT going to happen. I can guarantee that. You can’t go into something like this half assed and expect a miracle. Also, what works for me may not work for you so test a few options out…like a buffet but a whole lot less fattening.  

1.      Stop fucking calling it a diet. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! Just stop. I honestly get mad when people ask me if I’m still on ‘that diet’. No asshole, this is just how I chose to eat now. Side rant: Why, when most women are offered a tempting dessert, do they insist on trying to make other’s feel bad for them? “Ohmygawddd, it looks so good, but I’m on a diet. Like, ugh, I can’t even watch you eat it!” Get over it. All you have to say is “no, thank you”.

2.      Find an activity that works for you. I lift heavy shit on the reg and it’s become my passion. Dancing around like I’m an extra on Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights….not so much. But hey, to each their own.

3.      When you find an article of clothing that you like…don’t buy it two sizes smaller as motivation. It’s a waste of money. Why? Because when they don’t fit after a month you’re going to take a handful of chocolate to the face and fall off the wagon. Buy it in your current size. It is much more gratifying to feel them falling off than having to struggle to put them on every few weeks.

4.      Step 1: Watch this video: CLICK ME!! Step 2: Do the exact same thing to your scale. Even use the same music if you’re feeling a little gangster. Weight is a horrible indicator of weight loss…ironic huh? I don’t weight myself for the same reasons that I don’t have skinny clothes. When I don’t see the number I was hoping for, I want to punch things…and then eat carbs. Lots and lots of carbs. Drenched in cheese.

5.      As I’m writing this, I am eating a Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg. Why?  A. Easter candy is bomb ass; B. It was 50% off; C. Because I fucking wanted one. If you’re having a craving, go for it. The longer you hold off, the more chance you have of binging and then immediately crying about it. And what happens when you binge? “Fuck it, I already cheated…I’ll get back on track tomorrow” And this, my friends, is what I refer to as an epic fail.

6.      Stop making excuses. Accidentally brushed your teeth with your face wash? Your boyfriend didn’t notice your 2 inch haircut? You forgot your iPod at home and were forced to listen to your office mates talk about whether Kim Kardashian’s ass is real or not? I.Dont.Care. Get your ass to the gym.

7.      Find a buddy. Even if they can’t workout with you or have no intentions of losing weight, it is more helpful than you know. All you need is that one person who is going to look at you when you suggest going to Taco Bell…and then immediately slap you in the face. Side note: I have a mean right hook if anyone is interested…

8.      Just because the box is green and the words “healthy” are printed on it, doesn’t mean it’s actually healthy. Take a look at the back of the box. See those ingredients? Do you have any idea what half of them are? Can you even pronounce them? No? Put it back. If you don’t know what something is the rule of thumb is not to eat it; a lesson from our childhood when our mother’s would yell at us for eating lint and licking windows that should have stuck around a bit longer.

9.      Make realistic goals. NEWSFLASH: You’re not going to lose 20lbs in a month. The faster you realize this, the less chance you have of wanting to strangle yourself with those two-sizes-too-small skinny jeans you bought that still don’t fit. If you did manage to drop those 20lbs, chances are you didn’t do it correctly so don’t be shocked when half of it creeps back on after your “I deserve this!” meal at the Cheesecake Factory.

Does the fact that I only have 9 tips rather than 10 bother you? Are you OCD like that? Good. I enjoy your discomfort.

For realsies though, if you need a buddy/mentor/motivational ass kicker, contact me. I promise not to go too hard on you. Just kidding. I’m totally lying.  

Cavemen would totally dig a girl like me...

People make it look so easy to date when in reality, it fucking blows. The last date I went on, he spent the entire night texting his buddies because, and I quote, he “literally cannot live without [his] phone”. No thanks bro. A few dates before that, the dude brought thigh high stockings for me to wear for him…on our first date…you think I’m kidding. He literally begged me to put them on. Needless to say, I never contacted that kid ever again. I save my thigh high moments for…uhh, never. I’m not 5 nor am I making a porno.

I’ve gotten countless tips from friends about what I should and should not do/say during a date. The one suggestion I got that I don’t agree with is that apparently I shouldn’t talk about my workout routine because it’s intimidating. I’m sorry but Crossfit is a HUGE part of my life, I’m not going to hide that. Also, honestly, if the guy is intimidated by a strong woman to begin with, then I want nothing to do with them either. Grow a pair.

To answer a question you’re probably wondering…yes, I met most of my failed dates online. I’m a bit shy in person (understatement of the year!) so I took the virtual route. A route I have since regretted but, nevertheless, I had to put myself out there somehow.  My online profile is normal, cheery, and full of bullshitty fluff to make me seem a little less intimidating. I haven’t logged on in quite some time because I am tired of the same emails I get all the time—

“You seem like a nice girl, would love to get to know you!”

“We’d make awesome babies together!”

“Ur profile is kool. We have alot in commen, we shuld chat smetime!”

However, I think I may give it another go. Except this round, I want to try an experiment. I’m going to lay it all out there. Be brutally honest. Swear. Show them what I am really like. It’ll go a little something like this…

I can deadlift your body weight.

Oh, you’re still reading? Fabulous. You passed the first test. I’m a crossfitter. I lift heavy things on the reg and I’m not ashamed of it. If you want a chance with me, you shouldn’t be either.

I like to do outdoorsy things. Meaning, I’d rather spend my day outside in the mud than being indoors and staying pretty. I’ve been ziplining, parasailing, white water rafting, tubing off of boats, camping, off roading, snow mobiling, etc etc. I’ve gotten a manicure about 10 times in my entire life. See where I’m going with this?

I’m not jealous. I don’t do drama. I’m not going to call you 10 times because you didn’t answer my text quickly enough. I don’t fight unless it’s over the remote because you want to watch politics. And by fight I mean, we’z gunna wrestle. Winner takes all. Loser (you) gets forced to watch either Intervention or Diner’s Drive In’s and Dives.

I prefer boxer shorts over lingerie; sneakers over heels; flip flops over everything. It takes me less than an hour to get ready for a date; less than 2 minutes to go to the grocery store. I own 1 piece of jewelry and I don’t even know where it is. I think it’s a necklace.

I love animals. When I win the lottery, I plan on being a dog hoarder. Big ones, not those noisey small ones.

Enough about me. Let’s talk about you. You’re active. I don’t care if you can run a 6 minute mile or a 15 minute mile, as long as you enjoy being active and outdoors. You can hold a conversation about anything, yet you know when to shut the fuck up. You can tell me the difference between ‘then’ and ‘than’. You like sweets. You won’t mind taste testing my sweets. You have a perverted mind that took that the wrong way. Last but not least, you’re not a douchebag. Waving your credit card and yelling “ay yo!” to your waitress (yes, this actually happened) will get you absolutely nowhere with me.

How’s it look? We’ll see what kind of responses I get…any interest in hearing the best ones?

In the meantime, if there are any single crossfitting males out there looking for a sarcastic, dog loving, quirky crossfitting female…please come find me. I’m convinced you guys are the only ones that would be able to handle me. Plus, you’re probably hot.

XOXO

Maurer

Listening to Eminem makes me want to rant...

Can we discuss something for a second here? I don’t know why I’m asking but whatever…

Why why why are women’s workout clothing so fucking ridiculously made?

“Oh hey, you’re a little chubby…yikes, okay… all we can offer you is this skin tight, ultra-low v neck, polyester tank top in fuchsia and bright orange from our spring collection. However the biggest size we carry is large and it’s more of a youth medium in terms of fit”

Fuck you.

I’m sorry for the vulgarity but seriously. Why do I have to shop in the men’s section for a shirt that doesn’t expose my rack and spare tire and doesn’t turn me into a human color wheel? Don’t even get me STARTED on the length of the damn things. Did I miss the part where all females are under 5’5”? Do people not need to lift their arms over their heads anymore?

And sports bras…really? I have to double up on them just for an ounce of less bounce. Yeah, there are some great bras out there……for $60 a pop. (Note to coaches: anything involving jumping is sheer torture for us overly-endowed females. I can deal with it during WODs but for the love of god, stop making us do jumping jacks as a group in a circle. It’s uncomfortable on all fronts—haha, get it?) Did you just feel the ground move Mr. Sports Authority employee? Oh, that was just me in the dressing room doing my jump test. Failed.

Maybe I’m the only one who feels this way. After all, I am a 5’10” female with giant hooters and a torso that runs for days. So, I get it; I’m not your average make and model. However, it would be nice for at least ONE company to cater to my abnormal measurements. Is that too much to ask?

Happy Anniversary!...to me

Today is March 2, 2012 and it is also my 2 year anniversary of my lifestyle change.

Two years ago, I was about 70lbs heavier, severely depressed, and only wanted to get out of bed if it was to stuff my face with some type of carb or baked good. A phone call from my father changed my life (shout out to my daddy! Love you) All it took was for someone to see my spark fade; for someone to show that they were worried for me to snap out of it and make some changes.

I joined the Fitness Edge and dropped 11lbs in less than 2 weeks. I was flying high. I joined their weight loss contest where I was introduced to eating Paleo. 5 months later, I was down 50lbs. I felt amazing but I was getting bored. I knew how to weight train but never wanted to go down to the area because it was always full of guys and I felt like everyone would be watching me. I lived on the treadmill (after finally giving up the stupid elliptical) and hit a plateau.

A month later, I was in my first on ramp class with Colin and Mark. Our workout was squats, sit ups and running. “Running! Nice!” I thought…until I made it back from that first round and realized I was still severely out of shape, even after months on the treadmill.

Fast forward to the present, and I couldn’t imagine spending more than 30 minutes on a treadmill ever again. I couldn’t imagine a workout that didn’t involve a barbell or dumbbell. I love working out. I love feeling like shit after a workout just because I know I’m going to feel amazing an hour later. I love my new friends and support group. I will never give this up. I will never go back to the way I was.

Sometimes I wish I would be further along than I am right now. It has been 2 years and I wanted to be down 100lbs at this point. However, this was the first time in my long fat life that I was able to drop a substantial amount of weight…and keep it off. So that in itself is an accomplishment I am proud of.

2012 will be the year I hit my 100lb loss. It will also be the year I do a strict pull-up, a handstand pushup, a muscle up and wear a tight dress in public (I’ve never made it out of the dressing room in one).

HUGE shout out to my friends at Crossfit Milford…you guys have made my life so much easier just by being the best supporters EVER.